A thousand kinds of things happen to us in life. Sometimes we are faced with a difficult situation, sometimes we are wronged, sometimes we are victimized by something we never wanted to be victimized.
At such times, most people advise us to "accept" the situation. But we are the ones who suffer, not those who give that advice. One inevitably asks oneself:
"If the same thing happened to those who gave this suggestion, would they really be able to accept it?"
Yet it is also useful to think about why this suggestion exists.
Acceptance is often understood as surrendering, stepping back or giving up.
But what if it is not?
What if acceptance strengthens us instead of weakening us?
What if acceptance is not giving up, but opening the door to consciousness?
If what we are running away from is already walking with us, would it be harder to run away from it, or to recognize it?
In this article, we will explore together whether acceptance is poison or medicine, and we will take a look at how we can use it to bring the most benefit to ourselves.
Philosophical and Scientific Background
Philosophical Perspective
Jung: Confronting the Shadow and Accepting Destiny
Swiss psychologist Carl Jung, the founder of analytical psychology, did not interpret the word "acceptance" as a surrender or as "what is done is done" as most people understand it.
For him, acceptance is actually a very courageous act.
According to Jung, everything that one does not face, one pays for elsewhere.
That is, when life brings us an event, an emotion, a loss, a failure...
When we do not accept it, the experience does not disappear. On the contrary, it is pushed into the shadow (i.e. the subconscious),
and strangely enough it becomes stronger there. Repressed anger overflows elsewhere. Resentment denied rots relationships from within. Pain that is ignored changes shape and turns into neurosis. The parts of us that we say "I am not" sabotage us in the most unlikely places.
According to Jung, neurosis is the result of "trying to cheat life", often without realizing it.
Running away, ignoring, insisting that "I don't feel this way"...
These are all high-priced escape routes.
Therefore, Jung interprets acceptance as follows:
Acceptance is not approval of what happens to you.
Acceptance is the risk of living your own truth.
Sometimes it is to meet a pain by saying "okay, I'm going through this", sometimes it is to see a failure honestly, sometimes it is to face a part of ourselves that we don't want to see.
Acceptance is not bargaining with the shadow.
It is not trying to "convince" or "silence" it.
Because the shadow responds to honesty, not bargaining.
Acceptance is being brave enough to say to the shadow, "OK, I see you." (1*)
Because the unseen shadow rules us.
The seen shadow sets us free.
Jung's philosophy teaches us right here:
When we run away from life, the pain does not end; it only changes form.
But when we face our truth, even pain becomes a teacher.
And perhaps it is at this point that what we call acceptance is born:
The moment we stop waging war on ourselves and open the door to our own truth.
Sartre: Accept Responsibility, Not Conditions
According to Sartre, life is not always fair to us. We cannot choose our circumstances. We do not choose where we are born, what family we come from, what suffering we face, what misfortunes befall us; they just happen to us and we have to live with them.
Sartre defines this given space as "facticity" (what happens, what is). (2*) In other words, we cannot control this part.
But according to him, this is where what makes a human being human begins. We cannot choose what we experience, but we can choose how we respond to what we experience.
This is where Sartre's understanding of "acceptance" comes in:
Acceptance for him is not fatalism, but not denying responsibility for where we stand.
It is not to surrender by saying, "This is what happened to me, so this is who I am."
On the contrary, it is to ask oneself the question in all its nakedness:
"Who will I be in spite of all this?"
According to Sartre, there are no guarantees in the world.
Life can be absurd, it can be unfair, people can be unfair...
But in every situation one has to produce one's own answer.
Acceptance here is not a submission, but an act of emancipation.
Because only when we accept the reality as it is can we choose how to respond to it.
In short, Sartre redefines acceptance as:
"Own the choice, not the circumstances."
And perhaps it is precisely in this responsibility that what we call resilience begins.
Japanese Aesthetics: Wabi-sabi and Mono no Aware | Accepting What is Missing
In Japanese thought, "acceptance" is often defined not through struggle, resistance, or control, but through respect for the natural flow of life.
Wabi-sabi reminds us that imperfection has an aesthetic. (3*) As in the case of kintsugi, where a broken vase is repaired with gold... Gold is applied not to hide the fracture, but to make the story of the fracture visible.
Because the fracture is no longer a defect, but a trace of life, of endurance, of the journey.
This perspective tells us:
"What is lacking is not worthless."
Life doesn't always take the shape we want it to, but that doesn't make it meaningless.
Sometimes the cracks are where the light seeps in.
Mono no aware is a more delicate, more emotional teaching of acceptance.
The subtle sadness that comes from knowing that everything is impermanent...
Like the cherry blossoms that bloom for only a few weeks. Or that a butterfly has a very short lifespan...
We know both its beauty and that it will disappear...
And it is precisely because of this impermanence that we cherish it all the more.
Mono no aware whispers to us:
"Awareness of impermanence deepens gratitude."
When life doesn't go our way, when plans go awry, when people change, when everything seems to slip away...
This aesthetic approach transforms rebellion:
"Why is life like this?"
"Can I find meaning in life as it is?"
Wabi-sabi teaches the beauty of brokenness, Mono no aware teaches the grace of impermanence.
And when the two are combined, a powerful acceptance emerges:
The realization that an imperfect life can be valuable in its own way and with its own imperfections.
This is not surrender; it is learning to savor life with all its imperfect details.
Hannah Arendt: Refusing to Escape from Reality
According to Hannah Arendt, one of the greatest human ruptures occurs at the moment when one begins to break with reality.
This is not a sudden break; it happens gradually, with little excuses, postponements, self-deception.
Arendt describes this as "the danger of stopping thinking". (4*) In other words, when one begins to create stories that numb oneself instead of seeing things as they are, one distances oneself from both the world and oneself.
This is where Arendt's understanding of "acceptance" comes into play:
Acceptance means fidelity to the truth.
But not a passive endurance; the courage to see "what is as it is" without running away, without distortion, without dramatization.
Acceptance, according to Arendt, does not mean consoling oneself by saying "everything is fine"; it does not mean avoiding responsibility by saying "there is nothing to be done". Nor does it mean taking refuge in fatalism by saying, "This is just the way I am". On the contrary,
"This is the truth. How am I to respond to this reality?".
Therefore, Arendt's understanding of acceptance is neither a romantic acceptance nor a call for spiritual serenity.
On the contrary;acceptance is to stop making excuses and to meet reality in all its complexity.
For it is only on the ground of reality that one can make an ethical choice.
One who refuses to look at reality cannot be the owner of one's own decisions.
What Arendt quietly teaches is this:
Acceptance means not running away.
To not run away means to keep thinking,
and to keep thinking means to keep the door to freedom open.
And this line leaves us with a very powerful question:
"What story are we telling ourselves, and does that story liberate us?"
Scientific Perspective
Why Resistance Creates Pain?
Psychology and neuroscience tell us that "acceptance" is not a passive surrender, but an active process of reorganization of the nervous system.
In short, acceptance is not a mental choice, but a form of bodily regulation.
Resistance, Amygdala Activation and the Stress Cycle
When we resist an experience ("This shouldn't be like this.", "I don't want to feel this way.", "I don't accept this.") the brain perceives it as a threat.
The perception of threat causes the amygdala to fire. When the amygdala fires, stress hormones (cortisol / adrenaline) rise.
As a result, the body goes into a fight-flight-freeze response.
In this cycle, both the mind and the body enter a "state of alarm with no way out".
This is why resistance creates pain:
The brain mistakes the rejected experience for danger.
And whatever one resists becomes bigger, more intense, backfires.
So how to break this cycle? This is where science comes in.
Acceptance Means Reactivation of Prefrontal Cortex
Neuroscience says:
The moment we accept an emotion, the amygdala is muted.
Because the perception of threat is reduced.
When the threat is reduced, the prefrontal cortex, our center for decision-making, evaluation, willpower, orientation, behavior regulation, is reactivated.
This softening movement creates "mental clarity".
Human beings do not surrender to an emotion they have rejected, but come out of the state of alertness struggling with it and become able to work with it.
This is why acceptance is scientifically active self-regulation.
Difference between "Suppressing an Experience" and "Naming an Experience"
In neuroscience this is called "name it to tame it". (i.e. Name it to calm it down.) (5*)
When we suppress an emotion, activation in the amygdala increases. The brain goes into "there is a threat but I don't know what it is" mode.
When we name an emotion ("I'm angry right now", "I'm anxious", "I feel a tightness inside"), the prefrontal cortex is activated and the amygdala activation decreases by about 40%.
Suppressing an emotion increases the threat, while naming it and observing it decreases the threat.
This is where what we call acceptance actually happens:
Naming the experience without suppressing it, without dramatizing it, without running away.
This naming process allows the brain to go into "experience, not danger" mode.
ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy):
The Truth that Acceptance is More Effective in Changing Behavior
The basic assumption of ACT is:
Avoidance of pain magnifies pain. (6*)
Acceptance reduces the power of pain on behavior.
ACT does not try to eliminate emotions. Because science tells us:
To fight emotion is to strengthen it. Making space for the emotion means weakening the impact of the emotion.
ACT's model for change can be explained in 3 steps:
- Acceptance: Recognizing the experience as it is
- Defusion: The thought is not real
- Action in line with value: No matter what I feel, which direction can I walk?
The neuroscientific counterpart of this approach is also clear:
Acceptance calms the threat system.
Alignment with values activates the motivation system.
Action creates new neural pathways (neuroplasticity), and the new self is created more strongly.
This is why science considers "acceptance" to be one of the most powerful tools for behavior change.
So, in a nutshell, science tells us:
Resistance alarms our body; acceptance restores our capacity to choose direction despite the alarm.
In other words, acceptance is not passivity; it is the most conscious adjustment of the nervous system.
Real Problems and Solutions
Problem
Why Do We Misunderstand Acceptance?
The real problem lies in the fact that our mind codifies "acceptance" as a contract of defeat.
We think acceptance is saying, "I like this, this is great, this is what I wanted."
But acceptance is not a thumbs up button.
Acceptance is just a determination of the situation.
It is being able to say, "Right now, here, this is happening."
When the mind is confronted with a reality it doesn't like, it thinks that resisting it is a way of "controlling" it.
It clings to the secret, childish belief that "if I get upset enough, if I deny enough, if I deny enough, this reality can change."
So accepting gives the ego a feeling of "you've lost control."
The ego screams at us, "If you accept this, you can't change anything!"
But the reality is that we can't change anything that we don't accept.
Can someone who doesn't accept that they are in the darkness set out in search of light?
Solution Suggestions
Training Acceptance Like a Muscle
Okay, How can we apply this theoretical knowledge in practical life, in those moments when it hurts? I think we can follow these steps...
Using the Power of the Word "Yes" (First Contact)
When an unpleasant event happens to us or a challenging emotion arises in us, our first reflex is "No, it shouldn't!".
At that very moment, we can take a deep breath and say a "Yes" that simply acknowledges the situation.
"Yes, I am very angry right now."
"Yes, this project has failed."
"Yes, I am disappointed right now."
"Yes, my heart is broken."
This "yes" is not an acknowledgment of the event; it is an acknowledgment of its existence. We can think of it as the first button that silences the amygdala's alarm.
Building the "Despite This" Bridge
Surrender says, "This happened, I'm done."
Acceptance says, "This has happened, and in spite of it I can take action."
As Sartre said, the direction can be chosen even if the condition is fixed.
We can construct our sentence like this:
"I feel anxious and in spite of it I choose to make this presentation."
We don't need to wait for the anxiety to pass. We can take the anxiety with us and learn to walk through it.
Noticing Resistance and Relaxing
Acceptance seems like a mental decision, but it is also a physical activity.
When we reject something, our shoulders tighten, our jaw clenches, our stomach knots.
The moment of acceptance is when the shoulders drop and the breath fills the abdomen.
When the body relaxes, the mind receives the message "the battle is over, now we can look at the solution."
Conclusion: The Greatest Rebellion
Let's go back to the beginning of this article, to the fundamental question:
Can acceptance be a rebellion and not a renunciation?
While the modern world is constantly shouting at us "Want more, never settle, control everything, always look happy"...
To be able to embrace things as they are, with all their nakedness, pain and imperfection...
This is the real rebellion.
Acceptance is the courage to stop rowing against the waves of life and to adjust the sails to the wind.
This is not a passive drift.
On the contrary, it is the intelligence of the captain who wants to take the wind behind him and get to where he wants to go.
Perhaps Jung, Sartre, Arendt and neuroscience have been saying the same thing in different languages for centuries:
We cannot win by fighting ourselves.
We cannot advance by being stubborn with life.
Power comes not in clenched fists,
but in those calm, open palms that say, "What comes comes, goes, and I know what to do with what remains."
So let's do ourselves a favor today.
Let's stop fighting.
Let's just see. Let's just recognize. Let's just accept.
And let's watch;
Let's see how that thing we thought was a burden turns into a wing.
As we close this week, I want to leave you with this question:
What are you saying 'No' to in your life right now that is actually increasing its power over you? What would your hands be free to do if you used the effort you put into keeping that door forcibly closed, to open it and invite the truth in?"
Next week, we will go a little bit more into my world, into the kitchen of software, but we will talk about life again.
We will look at how to transform those "faulty" or "incomplete" parts of ourselves that we have learned to accept today. We will examine how similar burdens, which we call "Technical Debt" in software, and which lock up the system as they accumulate, find their counterparts in our lives, and how we can "Refactor" life (just like a block of code, I mean to improve and reorganize it).
Until then, stay with acceptance and love.
Source
- Carl Gustav Jung, Man and His Symbols, Kabalcı Publishing House.
- Jean-Paul Sartre, Being and Nothingness, Ithaki Publications.
- Leonard Koren, Wabi-Sabi: For Artists, Designers, Poets and Philosophers, YEM Publishing.
- Hannah Arendt, The Life of the Mind, İletişim Publishing.
- Daniel J. Siegel, Mindsight, Corridor Publishing.
- Steven C. Hayes, Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, Pegasus Publishing.
