Sometimes we feel bad emotionally because of an old wound itching inside us, sometimes because of a sentence of someone we love, sometimes even just because of an attitude.
If we share these bad feelings with that person, if they are the result of a communication, or if not, with the person closest to us...
Does this make us look weak?
We have all had the feeling of "not being sure of our feelings".
What if we misunderstood? What if we make ourselves look weak?"
Although we know that if we share our feelings openly, there will be a closeness with the other person, we always think, "should I share?", "no, why bother, I don't want to spoil it!"
In this article, we will try to examine the positive and negative aspects of emotional openness together, without taking a side.
Let's get started.
Philosophical and Scientific Background
The philosophical perspective:
Martin Buber - "I-You" Relationship:
(1*)
Martin Buber, an Austrian-born Jewish philosopher, thinker and writer known for his dialogical philosophy, defines human relationships on two basic axes: Me and Him and Me and You.
The Me and Him relationship is a more superficial and functional relationship in which we see the other person as an object. Here the other person is a "tool" that serves our purposes.
The Me and You relationship is much deeper; it requires seeing the other person as a subject, i.e. accepting them in all their being.
Emotional openness plays a decisive role at this point. Because when we open up to the other person (when we reveal both our vulnerability and our sincerity), we stop seeing him/her as "he/she" and start seeing him/her as "you".
According to Buber, only this I and You can form a true bond. When we hide our feelings, we actually keep the relationship at the level of "Me and Him", inevitably creating a distance between us and that person. But when we show our feelings openly, both parties feel more authentic, more integrated.
From this point of view, emotional openness becomes not only a "sharing" but also a way of being.
Taking the other person seriously, offering them our truth and expecting the same openness from them.
Jean-Paul Sartre and "The Gaze of the Other"
(2*)
Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980), French existentialist philosopher, writer and playwright.
His philosophy is centered on freedom, responsibility and encounter with the other.
Sartre argues that we experience ourselves not only through our own consciousness, but also through how others see us. He famously called this the gaze of the Other.
Let's try to think of an everyday example:
Let's imagine that we are alone in the center of the room, relaxed. Are we neat and tidy, it doesn't matter. Are we sitting in an absurd way? No problem. After all, it's just us, so what difference does it make?
But the moment someone walks in and sees us, we become aware of our behavior, we evaluate ourselves in a different way. We pull ourselves together, how we look, how we behave becomes important.
This moment reveals both our freedom (because now we have to decide how to present ourselves) and our vulnerability (because we can be misunderstood, underestimated).
Emotional openness is like that. When we open up, as Sartre says, we exist not only through our own eyes, but also through the eyes of the other person.
This makes us more real, but it also makes us feel more vulnerable.
Simone de Beauvoir - Reciprocity and Emotional Openness
(3*)
Simone de Beauvoir, She is one of the most important figures of existentialist thought. It would be a great injustice to see her only as Sartre's "companion", because her ideas on ethics, freedom and the position of women in society have left their mark on 20th century philosophy.
According to Beauvoir, human existence is fundamentally relational.
In her view, we are not "complete" beings in isolation; it is only through relationships with others that we can understand ourselves.
But there is a fundamental tension in these relationships:
Because each of us wants to experience our own freedom, but in order to be fair, we have to recognize the other as a free subject just like ourselves.
This is where reciprocity comes in. If emotional openness is only one-sided, that is, if one side opens up while the other remains silent or closes itself off, it becomes a kind of "objectification".
Openness becomes one side's burdening of the other, not a sincere sharing.
For Beauvoir, true openness is possible on condition that it is reciprocal. When I recognize you as a subject and you recognize me as such, the emotional exchange takes place on the ground of equality and freedom.
Then openness strengthens us rather than weakens us, because we both reveal ourselves and are balanced by the same openness of the other.
This is why Beauvoir's message is:
When openness is healthy, it is two-way. Relationships in which one party is always "opening" and the other always "listening" become unbalanced.
True connection is only established through mutual openness and equal freedom.
Scientific Approach:
Emotional Openness in Psychology, Trust and the Risk of Rejection
In psychology, self-disclosure is seen as a key element in building trust in relationships.
When we open up to someone about our feelings, our fears, our hopes, we are saying to them: "I trust you. With you I can show my weaknesses without hesitation or fear." This strengthens the bonding in relationships.
But it doesn't stop there.
Emotional openness also carries with it a risk of rejection. Because when we open up, there is always the possibility that the other person will not understand us, will belittle us or will distance themselves. This is why people often vacillate between openness and concealment.
Here John Gottman's marriage research (4*) is striking. Gottman studied the interactions of thousands of couples in a laboratory setting, analyzing their speech, heartbeats, micro facial expressions,
The result was findings such as:
One of the most important indicators of healthy and long-lasting relationships is the emotional openness of the partners.
When couples were able to express their emotions (anger, resentment, frustration) even when arguing, this openness strengthened the relationship in the long run.
On the contrary, in couples who constantly hide or suppress their feelings, the distance increases over time and the relationship breaks down.
Psychology seems to be telling us something simple but profound:
There is no trust without emotional openness. Without trust, no relationship can survive long term.
Neuroscience: The Brain's Response to Openness
Neuroscience shows us that emotional openness is a vital process, not only psychologically but also biologically.
When we trust someone and open up, oxytocin is released in our brains, which increases hormonal bonding and intimacy. (5*) But if the environment is not safe, the perception of threat dominates and our cortisol rises. In such moments, emotional openness can become a source of stress instead of increasing trust.
Oxytocin is one of the most important hormones released in the brain during moments of emotional openness. Also known as the "attachment hormone" or the "trust hormone",
When we share intimately, touch or make eye contact with the other person, our oxytocin levels increase. This strengthens both trust and emotional connection.
Openness and mutual sharing also activate the brain's reward system. When we feel listened to, dopamine is released and this makes openness a "good feeling" experience.
Let's not talk about the positive, let's try to look at the negative...
If our emotional openness is threatened, judged or rejected, our brain releases the stress hormone cortisol.
In this case, openness creates anxiety instead of trust. That's why we sometimes say "I felt bad when I opened up, I wish I hadn't"; in fact, this is a neurobiological defense mechanism.
The bottom line is that when we open up our emotionsin a safe context, it gives us peace, relaxes us, relieves us of our troubles, and increases our confidence. But when we open up in an unsafe environment, it can become stressful and damaging for us.
Social / Cultural perspective
Emotional openness is not only an individual choice, especially in countries like ours. It is also deeply influenced by gender roles. In many cultures, for men, "not showing emotions" is associated with strength and maturity, while for women, expressing emotions is often labeled as "exaggeration" or "over-sensitivity" and sometimes even "attention-seeking."
Because of these implicit restrictions, men get used to suppressing their emotions and appearing rude and rude with the help of a mask, while women get used to being belittled, pushed and marginalized when they express their emotions.
But research shows that men who are able to share their feelings freely have healthier relationships, while women who are forced to suppress their feelings in one way or another live with a higher risk of anxiety and depression.
So it's not just about the "it's healthy/unhealthy to open up" debate; it's about who is allowed to open up, under what conditions, and what happens to us when we do or don't follow those permissions.
True emotional openness makes sense when it becomes equally safe and valuable for everyone, beyond gender stereotypes and understandings.
Real Problems and Solutions
What went wrong?
Sometimes we choose not to share our feelings, sometimes we think we do, but in fact, instead of expressing them, we project them as a reaction without realizing it.
I believe that we are primarily responsible for our own feelings. If we see opening up our emotions as a space of freedom to react, we should give up this misconception.
First we should recognize our emotions, try to understand them, and then we should be able to share them through proper communication without forgetting that the other person is a human being, without hurting, upsetting or wearing them down.
Once we have clarified this framework, we can now move on to the main question: Is it better to open up or to hide emotions?"
Is emotional openness always good?
We usually think of emotional openness as a "good" thing. Be open, pour out, share, don't hide. There is some merit in this approach; openness can increase trust and intimacy. But the idea that "openness is good in all situations" can lead us into error.
Because too much emotional openness can also sometimes become a burden and pressure for the other person.
If the other person is not ready for us to open up, if we overstep their boundaries, or if we overload them before they have completed their own inner process, openness can become a stifling wall instead of a bridge.
For example, telling a new acquaintance about our deepest traumas or telling our partner "all the emotions" that are going through our minds at any given moment is not intimacy, but a form of openness that often overwhelms the other person. This creates a feeling of "overload" in the relationship and can decrease trust instead of increasing it.
In psychology, this is called emotional explosion. Intense and uncontrolled sharing of emotions (tantrums, crying spells) leaves both the teller vulnerable and the listener feeling that "I can't handle this much burden."
Therefore, the main issue is the timing and dose of emotional openness. Healthy emotional openness is an openness that respects the other person's boundaries, is appropriate to the context and is balanced with reciprocity.
So is it better to hide emotions?"
There is a common belief in society: "Don't show your feelings, be strong. Keep them inside, don't show them to anyone." This stereotype is taught to us, especially in childhood, and becomes ingrained in our behavior patterns in adulthood.
In the short term, hiding our emotions works like a "protection shield". It prevents arguments, it allows us to avoid confrontations, it gives a "controlled" image to the outside world. In the long run, however, they become a burden.
Creates distance
When suppressed emotions are not expressed, they both grow inside us and create an invisible wall in our relationships.
The other party finds it difficult to understand us, and we feel alienated inside, feeling that we are not understood.
Inner disconnection
We find ourselves constantly "pretending". When we don't say how we feel and wear the mask of "everything is fine", we lose touch with our true selves, our minds can deceive themselves, but not our bodies, we get stressed and cortisol-ridden.
Effects on health
Research (6*) shows that chronic suppression of emotions increases stress hormones, leading to both mental and physical problems (anxiety, depression, weakened immune system).
The real problem is that not only do the hidden emotions disappear, but they also accumulate and grow inside us. Suppressed emotions may one day explode; hidden emotions may turn into chronic fatigue, depression or hopelessness.
This is why the cliché "emotions should be hidden" isolates us instead of empowering us. The foundation of healthy relationships is not suppressing emotions, but expressing them constructively and at the appropriate time.
Solution Suggestions
Healthy Boundaries
Emotional openness is not about remaining completely closed, nor is it about revealing everything outrageously. What is needed is to establish healthy boundaries.
Openness in moderation
Emotional openness needs to be in moderation to be valuable. As the old saying goes, too much of anything is poison. Putting all our inner world on the other person's shoulders when they are not ready does not increase trust; on the contrary, it creates distance.
Secure relationships
The most appropriate ground for sharing emotions is trusting relationships and safe spaces. Who we open up to is as important as what we open up.
Our own responsibility
Before sharing, asking ourselves "Why am I telling this? Will this sharing be good for me and the other person?" clarifies our boundaries.
Healthy boundaries do not restrict openness; they make it more meaningful. Because emotional openness deepens trust only when it is with the right person, at the right time, in the right dose.
Empatik Dinleme: Openness Is Not Just Saying, It's Making Space for the Other
Oftentimes we think of emotional openness as "talking, sharing, venting". However, for openness to be healthy, it should be a two-way process, not a one-way process.
Empathize
The most important complement to openness is to listen to what the other person is saying and try to understand their feelings. Openness does not only mean "I told you, I am relieved"; it also means "I am listening to you, I am giving space to your feelings."
Judgment-free space
When listening to someone, leaving a judgment-free space instead of immediately trying to offer solutions or criticize increases trust. When the person being listened to feels "understood", they can open up even more.
The power of silence
Sometimes it is not the words spoken that foster openness, but the fact that the person next to us is listening quietly, attentively, really listening, and we notice it.
Listening attentively to the other person makes openness less of a monologue and more of a dialogue. As Martin Buber says, a real relationship is built on the mutual presence of "I" and "You". Therefore, listening is as much a part of emotional openness as emotional openness.
Ways of Expression: Openness Doesn't Just Happen with Words
When we think of emotional openness, words usually come to mind. Sharing our feelings, telling, talking... However, language is not the only way of openness. People can also express their feelings through art, body language and common rituals.
Art
Artistic means such as music, painting, writing or dance often convey emotions that words cannot. A melody, a brushstroke or a few lines written are the most natural way to say "this is who I am, this is what's inside me."
Research shows that art also activates the brain's reward center (dopamine, oxytocin), strengthening feelings of sharing and connection.
Body language
A silent touch, eye contact or a smile is often more revealing than a long speech.
Emotions are experienced in our bodies and overflow through our bodies. This nonverbal openness with the other person increases trust and sends the message "I am here with you".
Common rituals
Throughout human history, emotional openness has often been practiced through rituals (eating together, singing, attending religious ceremonies or just having coffee with friends)... These small rituals deepen emotional bonds without the need for words.
After all, openness is not only about what we say, but how we live. Many emotions that we cannot express in words can be shared through art, the body or rituals, and this creates another depth in relationships.
One of the moments when I felt the power of emotional openness most deeply was during my military service.
When I was doing my short-term military service, a friend of mine named Mert from a different unit said that he could take a few days off after his oath, but our commander would not allow it. So I had the temerity to ask the commander, without naming names, "Sir, other friends were able to get leave, but we couldn't. What is the reason for this?"
Just then there was a knock on the door and Mert's commander came in. Our commander, with the power of seniority, turned to the other commander, partly joking, partly serious, and said, "What slackers you are, you gave permission to the soldiers; now they are saying why are you doing us injustice?" The incident escalated in an instant.
Mert's face was grim at dinner. His commander had insulted him in public with unspeakable words. He insulted him with discriminatory remarks against women. Mert was furious: "I'm going to find whoever said that, I'm going to beat the shit out of him!"
At that moment, I was mortified. I choked up, I couldn't get a bite in my mouth. When the meal was over, I couldn't carry this burden any longer. I pulled Mert aside and said, "Slap me, get mad at me, or get out of your life... but I want you to know that I am the reason." I told him the incident and my feelings in detail.
Mert gave me a hug that day... We have been brothers ever since. We are inseparable.
Conclusion and Message to the Reader
Emotional openness is one of the greatest paradoxes in our lives.
On the one hand, it serves as the strongest bridge of the relationships we build. When we open up, true intimacy begins; the other person can see us in all our vulnerability, not just through our "behaviors" or "masks."
On the other hand, being emotionally open is also our greatest test. Because when we open up, we risk the possibility of being rejected, misunderstood or hurt.
This is why openness requires courage. And this courage does not always lie in speaking out loud; sometimes, on the contrary, it lies in being able to share ourselves to the right person, at the right time, in the right dose.
This question is for you, my dear readers...
Do you find emotional openness more challenging, or do you find it more difficult to hide your feelings?
Let's not forget that openness alone is not the ultimate solution. The real issue is where this openness evolves.
In my next post we will focus on this question:
"Beyond emotional openness, how to create a shared meaning in relationships?"
Because sometimes openness is not enough; what matters is the world of meaning that openness becomes.
Till then, stay in love.
Sources:
- Martin Buber - I and Thou (1923)
- Jean-Paul Sartre - Being and Nothingness (1943)
- Simone de Beauvoir - The Second Sex (1949)
- John Gottman - The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (1999)
- Paul Zak - The Moral Molecule (2012)
- Gross, J.J. (1998). The Emerging Field of Emotion Regulation
