Expectations and Disappointments

The Invisible Scenarios of Our Mind

Since English is the language used where I work, there is an idiom I hear all the time and I like it very much: Better safe than sorry!

Although in the dictionary it seems to be translated into Turkish as "Tie your donkey to a sturdy stake!", I think it would be more accurate to use a literal and even annotated translation for this sentence.

What is actually being said is:

If you are taking any action, it is better to be safe - before / during / after - than sorry.

The reason I started with this sentence is that although it is a phrase used in professional life, I think it can also be used in human relations.

If we go through examples, we can look at the subject through a few expectations:

Let's say we are going to visit a friend. We know he is not working, we know he is usually at home. When we go to him/her without informing him/her or even if we don't inform him/her, without checking his/her condition, let's imagine that he/she has gone on vacation for a week. But if we somehow find out in advance that he is at home or in the neighborhood, that he is available, and we go, we can probably meet him, we will be happy.

Another example, and one that happens a lot in life, is that let's say we leave the house with our spouse, and instead of locking the door, we expect the wife to lock the door.

The story is that the wife doesn't lock the door, and we realize this when we get on the plane to another country.

What happens? We may have to spend the whole vacation in stress.

How about if we don't expect it, but lock the door ourselves, or tell the lady to lock it, in short, make sure that the door is locked? In such a situation we would not experience stress.

And here we are at the same point, better safe than sorry!

These examples go on and on, and with the gas that these examples give me, I can try to examine this issue before I say big big words like "expectation is poisonous".

Then, before going deeper, let me leave you with the following question:

Have you ever expected something from someone and when it didn't happen, you felt hurt, upset and angry inside?

After this long introduction and thought-provoking question, I think I can come to the purpose of this article. In this article, we will try to examine how expectations create invisible scenarios that turn into disappointments.

Philosophical and Scientific Background

Philosophical Perspective

Epictetus (Stoicism): Expecting what we cannot control is the source of unhappiness

The slave philosopher Epictetus is one of the most powerful representatives of Stoicism, with a life that ranged from slavery to freedom. The most prominent idea in his teachings is this: "Life is an adventure full of what is in our hands and what is out of our hands." (1*)

According to him, human unhappiness often arises from trying to control things that are out of our hands. Someone else's behavior, the way the world is going, even the future itself... When we try to control these things, we fall into the trap of expectation.

For example, expecting our lover to always call us, or our coworker to always give us our due. These things are not in our control. According to Epictetus, such expectations inevitably lead to disappointment when they don't materialize.

It's not ethically right either, because when we don't share our thoughts with the other person, they don't know (they can guess, of course, but they may not) and it's not fair to put the burden of our own minds on their shoulders and hold them responsible for it.

The real freedom is to focus only on what is in our own hands: our own thinking, our own attitude, our own reaction. So instead of getting hung up on whether our partner calls or not, it's how we take it, or, if it's very important to us, communicating with the other person.

Our expectations shackle us, but when we recognize them and limit them to what we have, we can find mental peace.

Buddha / Eastern Philosophy: Desire (tanha) gives birth to dissatisfaction

There is a fundamental concept in the teachings of Buddha: tanha, that is, "thirst" or "desire". (2*)

Just as when we are thirsty it makes us want to drink water very badly, so desire makes us want the desired thing very badly.

According to Buddha, it is this constant craving that is the source of suffering (dukkha). We always want a little bit more: more love, more appreciation, more security. But desire is never fully satiated; when we reach one goal, another is immediately born.

This is why expectations carry the seed of dissatisfaction. For example, we expect a certain promise from our partner, and we are offended when it is not delivered. But even if it is said, the next day another expectation arises. So the mind is always running to "the next one", never fully at peace in any moment. However, if we have an expectation from our partner, how beautiful, how peaceful we would feel if we shared it and found common ground...

What Eastern philosophy tells us is this:

While it is not possible to eliminate expectation completely, it is possible to recognize its impermanence. Once we begin to see the nature of desire, instead of being carried away by it, we can stand in a more balanced place.

So expectations are like salt water, which makes us thirstier the more we drink. We think we will be full, but in fact the more we drink, the thirstier we become.

Kierkegaard: "Despair" and the alienation of the individual by unfulfilled expectations

19th century existentialist thinker Sarkegaard. Søren Kierkegaard, one of the existentialist thinkers of the 19th century, defines the most fundamental human problem with the concept of "despair". According to him, despair is not just pessimism about the future; it is becoming incompatible with our own selves. (3*)

Kierkegaard sees the tragedy of the human being in this:

We build up an expectation of love, success, approval. When this expectation is not realized, we become alienated not only from the outside but also from ourselves. Because we think, "this is how much I am worth."

When expectations are not met, the person comes into conflict with his/her own self. The gap between what one wants and what one experiences opens the inner wound called "despair". And this wound leads one away from one's own truth.

To put it in Kierkegaard's language: Despair is the inability to be what one wants to be. When expectations are not realized, this despair deepens and one becomes alienated from oneself.

The situation in relationships is no different:

When we constantly expect certain things from our partner, family or friends, and when these are not met, we not only resent them, but also ourselves.

The perception that "I am therefore unworthy of love" erodes our confidence in our own essence.

Kierkegaard put it this way:

The way to overcome despair is to make peace with our own essence, beyond our expectations.

Scientific Perspective

Cognitive Psychology: How Expectations Create Scenarios in Our Minds

According to cognitive psychology, the human mind does not only record the past; it constantly generates predictions about the future. In other words, the mind is like a "scriptwriter" trying to predict the next step at every moment. (4*)

When we go on a date, we imagine that our partner will be smiling, when we go to a job interview, we imagine that the other person will shake hands, or when we text our friend, we imagine that they will get back to us immediately. These expectations are actually unconscious scenarios.

The problem is that most of these scenarios do not correspond to reality. When the words or behaviors we expect from the other person do not materialize, our minds sound the alarm that "the script is broken". This triggers emotions such as disappointment, anger or resentment.

Neuropsychological research shows that the prefrontal cortex and hippocampus regions of the brain are particularly active in anticipation and prediction processes. In other words, the mind rehearses the future. However, if this rehearsal does not fit the scene, an emotional reaction is inevitable. (5*)

In other words, expectations are a script written by our minds, but often never received by the other person. We have played the movie in our head, but the other person has not read the script, so they don't play their part. Then we get offended and hurt.

Neuroscience: The Dopamine System and Prediction Error

Our brain's reward system operates largely through dopamine. (6*) For a long time, scientists defined dopamine simply as the "pleasure hormone". That is, it was thought to be associated with pleasurable rewards such as food, sex and success. However, recent research shows that the main function of dopamine is not to give pleasure, but to create expectations that make us think we will feel pleasure when it happens. So this hormone essentially plays a role in regulating reward anticipation and motivation.

The brain releases dopamine when it expects a reward. If an event happens exactly as we expect, the release of dopamine creates a balanced pleasure. But if it doesn't happen, a mechanism in our brain called prediction error kicks in. (7*)

That is, the brain tells us: "I predicted this, but it didn't happen." This signal sets the stage for feelings of frustration and stress.

Simple example: We get a notification on our phone, we think, "I'm sure it's a message from my loved one, yay!". When we open it, there is an advertisement message from the bank. The feeling of emptiness that appears in that moment is the result of a guessing error.

The same thing happens in relationships. We expect a congratulation, a gesture or a simple thank you from our partner. When it doesn't happen, not only is the expectation disappointed; our brain perceives it as a "system failure". And when these small disappointments pile up, they can damage our bond.

Neuroscience tells us this: Expectations are not only an emotional issue, but also a biological one. This is because the dopamine system sends a 'failure signal' to the nervous system when expectations are not realized, and reinforces motivation and contributes to the pleasure process when expectations are realized.

Social Psychology: "Silent Assumptions" and "Hidden Contracts"

An oft-discussed topic in social psychology is that relationships are built not only on what is explicitly said, but also on silent assumptions and invisible agreements. (8*)

In many relationships, the parties make "secret contracts" without realizing it. Inwardly, expectations are built up, and even before the parties have communicated, they harbor thoughts such as:

"If he/she doesn't call me, he/she doesn't care about this relationship."

"If he/she doesn't celebrate my birthday, he/she doesn't prove his/her love."

"When we get married, we'll spend all our vacations together."

The problem is that these contracts are never discussed. So the other person is not even aware of this expectation.

This creates a dangerous trap in relationships. Because when the secret contract is violated, we feel that "the deal is broken", but for the other party there is no deal at all. The result: resentment, blame and miscommunication.

For example, for one party it may be a natural necessity to visit family during the holidays, while for the other it may be valuable to spend special free time alone. If these assumptions are left unspoken, each side sees the other as not "getting it."

Social psychology shows that it's not what is said that creates the most conflict in relationships, but what is left unsaid. Silent assumptions are like hidden contracts that operate unnoticed.

So talking openly about expectations strengthens not only communication but also trust.

Because when hidden contracts become visible, the parties can consciously rewrite "our deal".

Society, to a large extent, whether we like it or not, what we should expect from relationships. Romantic movies, TV shows and social media create a perception of the "ideal partner" that often has little to do with reality. (9*)

The grand gestures of love we see in the movies, the last minute rush at the airport to bring the lover back, the perfect anniversary every year, the days of passionate romance... These become the standard in our minds.

Social media further reinforces this expectation. Perfect couple photos on Instagram, partners joking and having fun with each other on TikTok, loving words written on Twitter... All of them make our feelings of "this is how a relationship should be" swell. (10*)

But in reality, no one lives a movie scene every day. Most couples are made up of mundane conversations, small arguments, daily hustle and bustle. This gap between idealized expectations and real life can easily turn into disappointment.

But if we act on these expectations, we expect our partner to act like a movie hero all the time. When this expectation is not met, we may feel that "there is something wrong with our relationship". The problem is often not with the partner, but with the misleading comparison to the social image.

Romantic movies and social media can inspire us, but they also fill our minds with unrealistic expectations.

The real connection begins when we recognize these illusions and are able to write our own authentic story.

The Burden of Expectation of Standards of Success and Happiness in Modern Society

In today's world, there are invisible expectations placed not only on relationships but on life as a whole. I'm talking about the expectations that modern culture places on us, such as that we should always be successful, always be happy, always be productive.(11*)

The promotions, new ventures, exotic vacations, and moments of happiness shared with glowing faces that we see on social media feeds are perceived as a standard. In other words, we feel like we have to "always look happy", not just be happy once in a while.

This leads to expectations seeping into our personal relationships. We expect our partner to be constantly motivating, always supportive, always understanding and always cheerful. Because society defines the image of the "ideal spouse" or the "ideal family" in terms of success and happiness.

But real life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes there are failures, sometimes morale suffers, sometimes mediocrity prevails. This is where the expectations of modern society come into play: "We should always be happy, why aren't we? Is there something wrong in our relationship?"

What we end up with is unfair comparisons, dissatisfaction and disappointment with our partner or ourselves.

In short, modern society's standards of success and happiness create an unrealistic burden of expectation in relationships. However, both personal and relational peace becomes possible when we question these artificial standards and find our own measurements.

Real Problems and Solution Suggestions

Problems

I have tried to explain in this whole article, and I have experienced it dozens of times in my life; When the expectations we carry silently are not voiced, they create conflict, they accumulate, and as they grow, we get caught in cycles in which our relationships, ourselves and our psychology constantly deteriorate.

Unless they are resolved, there are no more psychologists to visit, no more medications to take.

We create virtual universes for ourselves in our brains that we unfairly but confidently "deserve". Then we have expectations based on those universes. When time comes and we realize that there is a huge gap between those universes and reality for reasons beyond our control, the universes we have created in our own brains collapse on us.

It is imperative that we realize that, as individuals, we all understand the real universes we live in with our brains, and we already live in those universes. In short, we all already have a life scenario.

But cultural norms, what we watch, what we see, what we are exposed to distract us from our own life scenario.

What do we do when we create false universes based on imaginary scenarios that are not certain to happen and then do not match reality? We get stressed, we get narrow, we get overwhelmed.

Solution Proposals

Speak Expectations Openly, Make Them Visible

The most disappointing thing in relationships is often not the expectations that are not fulfilled, but the ones that are never voiced. Because every unspoken expectation works like an invisible agreement hidden in our brains. We know it exists, but the other person is not aware of it.

So the first step is to make expectations visible. Instead of deciding inwardly that "you should already understand", it is essential to say it directly.

"It means a lot to me to be remembered on important days."

"When we spend time together, I want you to focus on me and not on the phone."

"Sharing the housework lightens the burden on me."

"Trust is very important to me, we should not treat each other unevenly."

Sentences like these remove ambiguity in the other person's mind and make expectations clear.

In psychology, this is called "transparent communication". Transparency is not only telling the truth, but also clarifying our needs and boundaries. In this way, our partner begins to speak the same language as we do.

Philosophically, this approach coincides with what Gadamer calls the "fusion of horizons": Each of us brings our own horizons to the table and only by sharing can we create a shared meaning.

In short, talking about expectations instead of hiding them is like clearing the soil before sowing the seeds of resentment in the relationship.

The expectation that becomes visible is no longer a burden but a shared agreement.

Stoic Practices - Managing Disappointment by Thinking the Worst

Stoics, They realized very early on how expectations enslave the human mind. Epictetus famously said:

"It is not events that upset us, but our judgments about them."

One of thetoist practices is the exercise of "premeditatio malorum", that is, "thinking in advance of bad possibilities". This is done not to generate constant pessimism, but to strengthen our minds against possible disappointments.

For example, if we are going to meet a friend, we think in advance that the friend might not show up, that something might go wrong, that something might go wrong on a trip, and we calculate what precautions we would have taken if such a negative event were to happen.

If we visualize such negatives in our minds in advance, they have less power to shake us when they happen. Because now we are prepared for this scenario.

There is a counterpart to this method in modern psychology. "Expectation management." That is, mentally making room not only for the best but also for the worst of the possibilities.

This way, instead of being devastated in the face of adversity, we can react in a more balanced way by saying, "Well, it was possible anyway."

This is one of the things I like most about theosophy. It offers a perspective that helps us to turn situations where we might be powerless into strengths.

It is impossible to control expectations, but it is possible to manage their impact on us. Thinking the worst is actually like a mental insurance policy against life.

Mindfulness - Being Present Without Expectations

Expectations are often future-oriented.

"If this happens, I will be happy, if that happens, I will be at peace."

Our mind is constantly investing in the future, but is distracted from living in the present. This is where mindfulness comes in.(12*)

The essence of mindfulness is to see things "as they are". Neither trying to change the past nor forcing the future. To notice the scenarios created by expectations, but without getting caught up in them, to keep our attention in the present moment.

For example, you are waiting for a message from your partner.

The phone doesn't ring and your mind immediately starts working:

"Is he upset with me? Is he doing something else? Or does he not care about me?"

Each of these scenarios arises from an expectation.

Mindfulness makes it possible to see this moment like this:

"Right now my phone is silent. I have curiosity and restlessness. I notice these things."

So instead of falling into the scenario, we observe it unfolding in our minds. This small difference allows us to experience things as they are, without being disappointed.

Scientific research also shows that mindfulness weakens the cycle of expectation and disappointment. Because the mind, which can stay in the moment, can get rid of the pressure of "should be" and make peace with "is".

Mindfulness reduces the noise of expectations and paves the way for a clearer, more peaceful connection in relationships.

Mapping Our Own Values - Expectations Not Those of Others, Establishing Harmony with Our Self

Most of our expectations are not really our own. The "shoulds" whispered by our family, society, social media or culture become ingrained in us over time and we mistake them for our own desires.

But expectations that are not in line with our core values will sooner or later lead us to disappointment. Because to live someone else's script is to forget our own story.

Therefore, the first step is to make our own value map. That is, to honestly ask the following questions:

"What are the things that really matter most to me?"

"Is it success, peace of mind, freedom, belonging?"

"What values do I most want to live by in my relationships?"

With this map in place, we can reorganize our expectations. We no longer set expectations because "everyone else is doing it", but because it is in line with our essence.

For example, society may tell us that we should "move up the career ladder quickly". But if "creativity" or "freedom" is more important in our value map, we can change our career expectation to a different path.

Or if instead of expecting "romantic surprises" in relationships, our main value is "trust", we can define our expectations accordingly.

Philosophically, this comes close to what Kierkegaard called "being true to oneself": To live by our own inner values, not by the expectations imposed by others.

Expectations that we set without knowing our own value map lead us to constant disappointment. But expectations that are nourished by values that are in harmony with our essence make our relationships and our lives more real, more peaceful, if the communication is established correctly.

In the early days of our relationship, I had an expectation that "oh now she will cook good food" without ever talking to my wife. Then I remember at some point we had a fight and I was judging my wife based on the expectation in my head, finding her guilty and reacting angrily in my own way.

Fortunately, my husband is a person who believes in open communication and doesn't give credit where credit is due, so he said to me, "You have it in your head that she will cook every day, how should I know what is in your head, and why should I always do it, I am waiting for you to do it then?"

That day I realized that when expectations are not voiced, they turn into an accusation, not a dream. Perhaps it is because of the great lesson that little fight taught me that I am able to write this article.

Conclusion and Message to the Reader

Expectations in our lives will always be there in one way or another, it is inevitable. If we realize these expectations, share them with the other party in our relationships and turn them into communication, we become stronger. But if there are expectations that are automatically formed in us without us noticing them, they will disappoint us, upset us, hurt us, unless we recognize them.

Unrecognized expectations often form an invisible chain. Recognizing the chain is the first step to freedom.

Then it's your turn to think:

What was your most invisible, unshared expectation that only you knew about and how did it affect you when it didn't materialize, how did it affect your relationship? We always want 'everything to be the way we want it to be', because then we are in control, and if we are in control we are not stressed.

In my next article I will try to explore how this illusion of control enslaves us and limits our freedom.

Till then, stay in love.

📚 Bibliography

Epictetus - Enchiridion / Stoic Teachings
Buddha - The Four Noble Truths and the Pali Canon
Søren Kierkegaard - The Sickness Unto Death (1849)
Sources in cognitive psychology (e.g. Neisser, 1967 - Cognitive Psychology)
Schultz & Schultz - A History of Modern Psychology (2004)
Schultz, Dayan & Montague (1997) - A Neural Substrate of Prediction and Reward
Sutton & Barto - Reinforcement Learning (1998)
Murray & Holmes (1997) - Hidden Lay Theories in Intimate Relationships
Giddens - The Transformation of Intimacy (1992)
Sherry Turkle - Alone Together (2011) / Reclaiming Conversation (2015)
Alain de Botton - Status Anxiety (2004)
Jon Kabat-Zinn - Wherever You Go, There You Are (1994)

Expectations and Disappointments

The Invisible Scenarios of Our Mind