Forgiveness: Weakness or Strength?

Forgiveness: Weakness or Strength?

Human relationships are sometimes like an invisible contract. It is not verbal, it is not written, but it has hidden clauses that everyone senses.

Respect, understanding, distance, closeness, expectation... And as long as these clauses are quietly respected, everything is smooth, fluid, in balance.

But one day one of those invisible clauses is violated.

Sometimes by a word, sometimes by an action, sometimes by silence... And a crack appears in the relationship.

And then what happens?

Sometimes the bond is broken.

Sometimes the party who thinks they are "right" forgives the other person and everything seems to pick up where it left off.

But then comes that familiar feeling:

"I forgave him, but something inside me is still like a stone..."

What if we look at it from this perspective: What if it is actually ourself that we cannot forgive?

In this inner story that begins with resentment, we often get caught in the following cycle:

A distance between us and the person we cannot forgive
The anger turns inward
And finally we begin to blame ourselves

In this article we will try to explore together:

Why is it so difficult to forgive both the other and ourselves?

And... is there a way to transform this difficulty?

Philosophical and Scientific Background

Philosophical Perspective:

Spinoza: Forgiveness is a Way to Freedom

Spinoza argues that everything in the universe (including our emotions) is the result of necessary causes. In other words, the way we feel something is based on a necessity, just like the rain falling or a stone falling.

According to this view, not forgiving is actually resisting nature.

Spinoza interprets moral evaluations not in terms of "free will" but in terms of causality.

According to him, when someone hurts us, instead of judging them, asking the question "why did they act that way?" gives us a wisdom that lessens the pain.

In this context, forgiveness is not justifying the other person; it is making sense of what happened in the context of a greater necessity.

But here's the thing:

Oftentimes, in trying to understand another, we are cruel to ourselves.

We cannot forgive ourselves.

But according to Spinoza, this is also against nature.

Because we, like the person(s) who hurt us, acted the way we did for certain reasons.

We were afraid, we were ashamed, we made mistakes... But they were all links in the necessary chain that made us.

To forgive oneself is to re-align with nature.

It is as if the underlying message Spinoza is trying to give us is this:

You cannot be liberated without forgiving yourself. Because you are part of nature. And nature does not judge itself.

If the flower did not forgive itself for wilting, maybe it would never bloom again.

Maybe we are like that too.

Mevlânâ & İbn Arabi: "If you are broken, return to yourself, there you will be made whole."

Mawlānā says:

"Whatever is your problem, there is the cure. Wherever you are broken, that is where you are complete."

This saying is not just a metaphor, it is a teaching of existence.

Because according to Mevlânâ, human beings are incomplete within themselves, not outside. Our brokenness exists to bring us back to ourselves. And forgiveness is the most important step in this inward journey.

But the forgiveness we are talking about here is not a state of "looking down on yourself"; on the contrary, it is a state of getting back in touch with yourself by softening the heart.

Ibn Arabi sees this inner forgiveness as the echo of divine forgiveness on earth. He says:

"God created existence by forgiving. Existence is the result of forgiveness."

So when we forgive another - or, more difficult, when we forgive ourselves - we are actually attuned to the divine. For existence is a manifestation of forgiveness.

According to Ibn Arabi, when man approaches his own self with compassion, then he is aligned with the divine. And this alignment is not a mental knowledge, but a heartfelt realization.

Then we can say:

Inner forgiveness is not only a psychological healing, but also a spiritual integration.

To return to the place where you were hurt, to stay there, to fill that void with compassion... This is perhaps the deepest form of forgiveness.

Nietzsche: Letting Go of Resentment is Strength

According to Nietzsche, the fact that a person constantly remembers what happened to him and continues to live in resentment of those events shows that he is weak against life.

For him, resentment is the weapon of the weak. Unforgiveness is a form of "inner rebellion" for those who have no other means, and keeping this feeling alive disrupts our balance with the universe, weakens us.

But the way Nietzsche proposes is not to remain stuck in this rebellion, but to transform it.

"To the extent that man forgives what has happened to him, he begins to build his own power step by step."

The "power" here is not to embrace anger, but to take it into oneself and master it. In other words, forgiveness is not a passive compassion, but an active action.

The real danger, according to Nietzsche, begins when one begins to bear a grudge to oneself, not to others. This is the moment when "the inner war turns into nihilism."

Because when man alienates himself, he gradually loses the will to live.

Therefore, for Nietzsche, forgiveness is not only a moral but also an existential issue.

The person who does not forgive is a person stuck in the past. Nietzsche's call is to turn towards becoming. He wants to break the chains of the past, to question not only what has happened, but also the self that holds on to it.

"To forgive oneself is like giving birth to a new person."

Therefore, the person who forgives is also the one who recreates oneself.

So, is this inner transformation just a philosophical claim? Let's see what science tells us about it...

Scientific Perspective

Neuroscience: The Mental and Physical Implications of Unforgiveness

Unforgiveness is not only an emotional burden, but also a neurobiological condition.

In particular, it can be described as a state of tension trapped between two brain regions:

Amygdala, the threat-sensing center of the brain, registers past hurts as "red flags". Even if these events do not happen again, the mere recollection of them alerts the body.
In response to this alarm, the prefrontal cortex (the more conscious, logical decision-making part of the brain) tries to assess the situation. But if forgiveness has not taken place, this center is in a constant state of "defensive readiness" instead of a healthy analysis.

What happens then?

The state of constant vigilance becomes chronic.
The brain is unable to mark the past event as completed.
This increases the release of cortisol (stress hormone) in the body.
In other words, if the mind cannot forgive, the body cannot relax.

This overloads what we call the "default mode network", the brain network that is constantly preoccupied with itself.

Inner monologues, re-enactments, "what if I had said this", "why did this happen"... These are all thought cycles that consume a lot of energy for the mind and keep the body close to fight or flight mode.

Unforgiveness is the brain's way of living the past in the present.

Forgiveness is the nervous system's signal that "the threat has passed".

When the human mind is confronted with a threat, it goes into alarm mode in order to survive, which leads to stress.

The chemical equivalent of this stress response is the body's production of Cortisol.

Normally, cortisol is useful in emergencies: it speeds up the heart, keeps muscles alert, prepares us for fight or flight. But unforgiveness makes it chronic.

If the mind doesn't forgive, the body remains constantly on guard. And the consequences can be more severe than we think:

Immune system weakens. Constantly high cortisol lowers the body's resistance to infections and diseases.
Inflammation (swelling) increases. Sustained low-level inflammation in cells can increase the risk of heart disease, diabetes and some types of cancer.
Cell regeneration slows down. Tissue repair is delayed, accelerating aging.
Prefrontal cortex is suppressed. Higher-level skills such as logical thinking, empathy and emotional regulation are weakened.

This reduces both the mental and physical resilience of the person.

In other words:

The burden of unforgiveness is not only on the heart, but also on the cells.

The body's alarm system is worn out day by day by the neurological echo of a pain that won't go away.

And maybe that's why...

Forgiveness is not only a good deed; it can sometimes be a survival strategy.

Psychology: Unable to Forgive Yourself - The Silent Echo of Inner War

It's hard to forgive others, yes.

But the hardest thing is sometimes not being able to forgive ourselves.

When we are stuck inside ourselves, we often can't put a clear name to it.

But the feeling is always the same:

I made a mistake somewhere. I have to pay the price. Maybe I don't deserve forgiveness.

This feeling can be categorized under two headings:

Chronic guilt.
Lack of self-compassion.

Chronic guilt is a state of constant regret for something done (or thought not done) in the past.

The person confronts his/her mistake but freezes there. He whispers the same phrases to himself over and over again:

"How could I have done that?"
"I wish I could take it back."
"I always make mistakes."

Over time, this inner repetition becomes a kind of self-critical cycle.

What is missing is this: the inner compassion we are not showing ourselves.

We can take a look at ACT, a type of therapy that I think can help us in our search for this compassion.

ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy): Accept the Past, Stay in the Moment

<<<<<<To break this cycle, Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) suggests that

forgiving ourselves is not about erasing our past; it is about learning to live with it.

ACT suggests:

Instead of fighting our past experiences, we should accept them,
Instead of constantly judging ourselves, we should listen with compassion,
And in every moment, we should act in accordance with our own values...

so that we can heal.

To forgive ourselves is not to admit that we are "wrong", but to admit that we are human".

And every human being makes mistakes. But every human being also has the potential to build a valuable life. Our effort should be to turn our focus in that direction.

ACT tells us:

"Instead of carrying pain like a burden, let us take it with us like a companion.

Let's not fight with it, but let's not deny it either.

Let's just recognize it, accept it, learn from it.

If we don't like it, let's not go down the same path again, let's try different paths.

And no matter what, let's not let pain define us."

So yes, maybe something went wrong in the past.

But that experience cannot define the whole of us. It can only improve us and make us a stronger individual.

After all, we are not just about that event.

Perhaps forgiving ourselves requires that we honestly ask ourselves the question:

"How can we be a better person for ourselves and for others, right now?"

And we need to seek the answer not in the ashes of the past, but in the present, with consciousness and determination.

Real Problems and Solutions

“Forgive, but don't forget”,

The weight of discourses such as “Forgive, but don't forget”, "Don't forgive those who deserve it"

Society always advises us that forgiveness is valuable, but at the same time, it implants in our minds thoughts such as:

"Forgive but do not forget."
"Some people don't deserve forgiveness."
"The more you forgive, the more they abuse you."
"Don't make a sucker out of yourself!"

These sentences pretend to encourage us to be strong on the outside. But in fact they cause an internal state of accountability. And this account is most damaging to the person who cannot close the book.

Because what is really happening:

Not forgetting is a form of vigilance
Not forgiving because "he didn't deserve it" is an illusion of dominating the past.
The idea that "if you forgive, you will be crushed" is a defense that equates forgiveness with weakness.

But forgiveness is not forgetting.

It is remembering, not denying the feelings, but choosing to let go of the burden anyway, to stop fighting the way it happened, to not stress even if the subject comes up, to become indifferent to it. And forgiveness is sometimes most of all releasing yourself from the burden.

When we look at an old photograph and a person, an event, or even just a sound, smell or taste still stresses us out, it is no longer the person we have not forgiven, but the pressure we put on ourselves.

Because not forgiving is like fixing a moment of the past in our soul. And that moment is revived in every sense.

Inner Factor: Unforgiveness = A Lawsuit Against the Old Self

Oftentimes, unforgiveness sounds like "trying to make up for our mistakes". But in fact, underneath are hidden sentences like:

"That person was not me."

"I am not that person."

"How could I do that?"

Here the person is suing his/her past self. And unfortunately in this case there is no defense.

There is only punishment.

But the solution is not to blame that past self, but to understand it.

Because even as it is, it is a part of us.

A us that was scared, that made mistakes, that didn't know...

And it is precisely through it that we have reached our present awareness.

Forgiveness is not about destroying the "wrong version" of ourselves in the past, but embracing it with the "wise version" of ourselves today.

Solution Suggestions:

Let us not wait for a letter of permission to forgive.

Let us write that letter.

To ourselves.

And say:

"We did our best as we were that day.

Today we know better.

And we will carry this knowledge with compassion, not with blame."

Let's take a look at what we can do to develop this muscle:
Somatic Approaches: Does the Body Remember to Forgive?

When the mind does not forgive, the body hides it.

The tension is not only in thought, but also in muscles, breath, posture.

The most common places in the body where unforgiveness feels comfortable are:

The rib cage: We sigh, constrict, feel tight
Neck and shoulders: The burden of guilt and anger makes us feel as if someone is sitting on our back and putting pressure on us
Stomach and intestines: If we can't digest anxiety and repressed emotions, our intestines react as if they can't digest what we eat
Jaw and teeth: Suppressed anger during the day comes out at night when we clench our teeth, and too much can damage them to the extent that they fall out.

These areas are like a silent archive of past but unresolved emotions.

The body "pretends to forget" but does not forget. It only stores the unexpressed emotion.

Sometimes just hearing a person's name changes our breathing, our jaw tenses, our stomach knots.

This is a sign that the body is still in "threat" mode.

Acceptance Work: Small Permissions, Big Steps

Somatic approaches are based on the following assumption:

The body opens with permission, not coercion.

So instead of trying to forgive, just intending can bring about change.

We can start with a sentence like this:

I may not be able to forgive right now. But I can intend to forgive. At the very least, I can realize that I don't want to live with this burden.

Such small inner sentences let the nervous system know that there is no threat.

Because the point is not to force forgiveness, but to welcome it.

It's like a wound: first it needs to scab over, then it needs to slowly open up.

Exercise Suggestion: "Exchange Letters with our Inner Judge"

We can use this exercise to resolve our inner conflict without physicalizing it.

We can take a pen and paper and try to write a dialogue with two sides:

One side: Our inner voice that judges us the most (criticizes, shames, silences)
The other side: Our true self (with mistakes, intentions, growing, evolving, healing)
Let the inner judge write first: "How could you make this mistake?"

"You let me down."

"You failed again."

Then we answer:

"I acted that way then because I didn't know any other way."

"Today I regret it, but I don't want to be my enemy."

"I am changing, can you come with me?"

This dialog builds a bridge between the prefrontal (compassion and judgment) and amygdala (threat and judgment) regions of the brain.

The words on paper reduce the body's feeling of being stuck.

Closing Note:

The body and mind tell the same story in different languages. Even if the mind decides to forgive, the body can only accompany it with soft openness.

This is why forgiveness is not only a thought, but also a physical ritual.

Sometimes just saying "I didn't forgive today, but I'm one step closer" is enough to make tomorrow lighter.

Conclusion and Message to the Reader

Sometimes forgiveness is silence; sometimes it is writing a letter and not sending it. Sometimes it is picking up the phone and giving up at the last moment when we are about to call, sometimes it is the messages we write and delete before we can send them.

But most of all it is deciding to put down that unnecessary burden we carry inside us.

Because forgiving someone else means not carrying that burden on our backs anymore.

But to forgive ourselves...

That starts with realizing why we carry that burden.

Maybe then we can stand up straight for the first time.

So let these be the questions you answer to yourself:

"Who did you forgive last time?"

"And... have you ever really forgiven yourself?"

If the answer is inside you, listen to where the answer is coming from.

Maybe if it still says "no", it's not you.

It could just be a voice inside you that keeps speaking, a voice in your head.

Is it really an omniscient conscience?

Or is it an inner judge that has grown up to punish you?

Does that voice really belong to you?

Or could it be the echo of something you heard as a child still speaking to you in your inner voice?

We will explore this voice together in my next article:

Mental Judges: The Criticism Mechanism Within

Till then, stay with love.

Forgiveness: Weakness or Strength?