The other day, while listening to the song "I waved to all of you" by the music group Adamlar, I really liked a sentence in it and helped me to form the stream of consciousness that led me to write this article. The sentence was:
There are hard times. How you come out of it, that's how your spine is shaped.
As soon as I heard the sentence, I realized that in my life, too, sometimes things never go right, everything is on top of each other, something I remembered that there were times when I thought something else was broken while it was being fixed.
The good news is that these feelings haven't been happening for a while. I don't ask "Why does this always happen to me?" anymore.
Then on the effects, causes and consequences of the phrase "It always happens to me" that I used to say often I did some thinking. At that time it was as if life was deliberately targeting me. As if I was just there I was standing and things were raining down on me.
At the time, I found this kind of thinking comforting because it took the responsibility off me and put the blame on "life". Fortunately, I now think this is dangerous and I would like to share with you the reasons why.
Victim psychology doesn't start with big events. It starts with small sentences. "What can I do, that's what happened." "What can I do? that's the way it is." "It's always like this." These sentences seem innocent. But every time they're repeated, they become they build neural connections. And these neural connections they build, over time, define the boundaries of the life we live. Indications.
When we analyze this philosophically and scientifically, the picture becomes much clearer.
Philosophical Background
Adler: The Lie of Life
Alfred Adler differed slightly from Freud in his ideas. Freud said that a person is shaped by his past. Adler that it's not the past that shapes you, but the story you build about the future. (1*)
Adler has the concept of "Lebenslüge", the lie of life. The stories we tell ourselves to avoid responsibility. "This is the way I am." "This is my luck." "Other people have different circumstances." These appear to be explanations. But are actually armor. To not change, to avoid the courage it takes to try.
Being a victim is not a fate. It is a choice that is often made unconsciously and becomes a habit as it is repeated.
Camus: Imagine Sisyphus Happy
Camus' Sisyphus carries a boulder on his back forever to the top of a mountain. The rock goes up, falls down. It starts again. It is an endless cycle.
Camus asks: is this man a victim?
The answer is clear: no. Because Sisyphus himself shoulders the rock. He does not surrender to it, but he does not run away from it either. Camus calls this He calls it rebellion. Seeing the absurd, accepting it and continuing anyway. (2*)
This is the opposite of victim psychology. Changing the attitude without changing the circumstances. "The one who carries this rock I am me".
Arendt: A New Beginning is Possible Every Moment
Hannah Arendt's concept of "natality" enters from a slightly different place. Every human being comes into the world as a beginning he says. And this capacity is not experienced once and done with birth. Reactivates with every action. (3*)
According to Arendt, action is the most original human faculty. To be able to initiate something, to start something anew, is human is being itself.
Someone who says, "Life is happening to me" has suspended this capacity. He is standing there. He is waiting. Whereas in every moment it is possible to start something new.
Scientific Background
Hebb's Law: Sacrifice Circuit Strengthens
Donald Hebb said in 1949: neurons that fire together, connect together (4*)
So every time a thought is repeated, the neural circuit corresponding to that thought is strengthened. Every time the victim repeats when we install it, that circuit becomes a little bit more established. It becomes a little more automatic. It becomes a bit more "this is who I am".
But neuroplasticity also says that these circuits can be rewritten. They are not fixed. It can change. That this it is not necessary to think differently, but to act differently. The circuit is broken only by a different reaction.
Rotter: Inner Focus, Outer Focus
Julian Rotter described two different human profiles in 1954 (5*)
Externally oriented person: "events shape me, I am not in control." Inward-focused person: "I shape my reaction and direction. I can determine."
These two profiles can experience the same event and reach completely different conclusions. Because they see the same event from a different perspective. they see. The external focus is the ground floor of victim psychology. The inner focus is the starting point of the exit from it.
Seligman: What's Learned Can Also Be Unlearned
Martin Seligman defines learned helplessness as: as a result of repeated negative experiences and gives up trying. (6*)
But Seligman also explored the opposite: learned optimism. If despair is learned, optimism is learned. can be learned. Perspective can change. This is a skill, not a character trait.
Footnote: Realizing and Rewriting the Story
In the last article I talked about metacognition as a tool for self-awareness. Here a different application comes into play.
The first step to changing the victim story is to recognize it. But noticing is not enough. What happened after I realized there's the matter of what we're going to do. (7*)
This is what metacognition does here: to pause when you hear that sentence. "Where is this thought taking me?" And then consciously set up a different frame. This is not positive thinking. It is not a distortion of the truth. It is the same is to see the event with a different question.
The Real Problem:
The Sacrifice Story Becomes a Comfort Zone
The most insidious thing about victim psychology is this: it works.
It protects from responsibility. It is a relief to say "I didn't ask for it, it just happened". It brings the sympathy of others. An explanation to make it work. And most importantly, it doesn't require you to try. It eliminates the risk of failure.
That's why it's hard to get out of the victim story. Because that story gives something. But when you look at what you get, you see which is exactly what stands in the way of progress.
For me, this realization did not come easily. For a long time I thought things "happened to me." Then I realized the same patterns were repeating. If the pattern repeats, it means that I have contributed to the pattern. It's a heavy awareness. But it's also liberating. Because if I have a contribution, I am the one who can change it.
Again, I would like to share with you these practices that I prepared for myself:
When the question changes, the mind starts to look in a different place.
2. Find your inner focus. In every situation, no matter how negative it is, you should try to control the least you can. there's something. Your reaction. Your next step. Focusing on this is the beginning of the transition from external to internal focus.
3. Break the circuit with a different response. The victim circuit can only be weakened by a different behavior. The same react differently once in a situation. Make it small, it doesn't matter. That circuit loosens a little more with each different response.
Life both happens to us and we build it. Both are true.
But which one we focus on determines the life we live.
Sisyphus continues to carry the rock. But he is not a victim when he carries it. Because he shouldered that rock himself.
See you next week.
Until then, stay in love.
Source
- Alfred Adler, Knowing Man
- Albert Camus, Discourse of Sisyphus
- Hannah Arendt, The Human Condition
- Donald Hebb, The Organization of Behavior (1949)
- Julian Rotter, Social Learning and Clinical Psychology (1954)
- Martin Seligman, Learned Optimism
- Flavell, J.H., Metacognition (1979)
