As if to live out the Greek philosopher Heraclitus' statement "the only thing that does not change is change itself", people constantly want to change.
In order to do so, they make promises to themselves, they say things like "I will never do that again, I will never say such things again". Sometimes they succeed, sometimes they don't. At such times, if we are not on the ship of awareness, we are likely to do ourselves more harm than good.
As for oneself, one can be very cruel to oneself when one acts contrary to what one defines as character, when one fails to keep one's word, when one fails to do something, when one does something one doesn't want to do.
We become hard on ourselves, we get angry, we feel guilty, we get out of control... At times like these, we can see ourselves as worthy of all kinds of cruelty.
Of course, nobody wants to see themselves as a harmful, disrespectful or no-good person.
But the solution is not to get angry with ourselves, to say 'I'm incompetent', to punish our inner voice.
In this article, we will look for ways to direct our will with compassion instead of 'punishing our will' in the pursuit of change, or if we have failed to show will in a situation where we should have shown will, and we will question whether real change can be achieved without coercion.
The Philosophical and Scientific Background of the Subject
The Philosophical and Scientific Background of the SubjectPhilosophical Perspective
Spinoza: True freedom lies not in coercion, but in understanding our nature.
According to Spinoza, human beings, by nature, strive for "survival". (2*)
He calls this effort conatus, that is, the tendency of everything to preserve and develop its own existence.(2*)
What we call the will is actually born from this inner impulse.
But in Spinoza's view, the will is strengthened not by forcing itself, but by understanding its own nature.
True freedom lies not in repression, but in harmony with its causes. (2*)
Whenever man fights his passions, he stands against his own nature.
But whenever he recognizes them, understands their causes and is able to direct them, the will turns into compassion.
Therefore, Spinoza's understanding of freedom is based on "understanding oneself", not "mastering oneself".
The more the will is kneaded with awareness, the more it softens.
As it softens, it ceases to be a resistance and becomes a means of navigation.
Just as water changes direction and flows even when you put a stone in front of it...
True will is not to stop flowing; it is to realize where and how it flows.
Epiktetos (Stoicism): Focus on what you can control and let go of the rest.
The basis of Stoicism is that man deals with two things throughout his life:
What he can control and what he cannot control. (3*)
Epictetus argues that most suffering arises from trying to change what we cannot control.
But freedom lies in being able to manage not external circumstances, but the meaning we give to them.
But there is an important point here:
Stoic self-control does not mean suppressing or ignoring emotions.
On the contrary, it means recognizing the emotion when it comes and consciously engaging with it.
When anger rises up inside, a stoic does not try to eliminate it.
He observes it, sees why it is coming, and chooses his response.
Because the response is where freedom begins.
Epictetus says:
"It is not the things that upset us, but our judgments about those things."
(3*)
So the problem is not in the event, but in how we see the event.
This difference distinguishes self-control from repression.
True self-control is not saying, "I shouldn't feel this."
It is being able to say, "I feel this and I can choose how to act on this feeling."
This is where awareness becomes the guide of the will.
Not coercion, but direction...
Not coercion, but soft power...
And instead of making war on oneself, one learns to make space for oneself.
Buddha ve Zen Geleneği: Change Without Coercion | The Teaching of "Right Effort"
In Buddha's teachings, transformation begins not with a struggle, but with a change of view. (4*)
For in every coercion there is hidden resistance, and in every resistance there is undeniable suffering.
This is why the Zen tradition speaks of "right effort". (5*)
This effort is not a gloomy and rigid discipline or an iron fist of will.
On the contrary, it is a soft, mindful, gentle orientation towards oneself.
"Right effort" is the art of not hurting oneself while trying to change oneself.
It is transforming something not by suppressing it, but by seeing its nature. (4*)
A thought comes, an emotion rises...
The Zen master does not push it away, does not judge it, does not own it.
He just notices it: "This is also a wave."
And as he passes through the wave, he remembers the nature of water.
Change is just like this water...
The more you push, the murkier it becomes, the more you accept, the clearer it becomes.
Buddha's path is not to eliminate desire completely, but to understand its nature.
Because understanding something is the most compassionate way to transform it.
This is why real change begins not with suppression, but with acceptance.
Rather than burdening yourself with "I must change," ask, "What am I now, why am I like this?"
This question transforms compulsion into awareness.
And in the end, one learns:
Change is not a will imposed from outside, but a realization born from within.
Scientific Perspective
Self-The Theory of Compassion (Kristin Neff)
Having compassion for yourself, facilitates change.
Modern psychology explains willpower not only in terms of discipline or determination.
Kristin Neff's self-compassion theory suggests that a "gentle inner voice" is as necessary as willpower to sustain change. (6*)
Neff argues that when people make mistakes, they usually take one of two paths:
Either they judge themselves harshly...
Or they try to escape with excuses.
But self-compassion offers a third way between these two extremes:
You recognize your mistake, take responsibility for it, but don't punish yourself.
This approach nurtures change with understanding, not defense or guilt.
Because when the brain is threatened (the amygdala is active instead of the prefrontal cortex), the mechanisms for learning and self-regulation contract.
But when one approaches oneself with compassion, the nervous system shifts to a sense of trust and the cognitive space for change is opened.
Self-compassion has three basic components: (6*)
Kindness to self: that is, seeing inner mistakes as human.
Common human consciousness: that is, remembering that making mistakes is universal.
Mindfulness: that is, watching the emotion without suppressing it, but without getting caught up in it.
When these three come together, change is no longer a "punishment process."
Willpower arises from inner balance and understanding, not repression.
Neff summarizes it this way:
"When we are kind to ourselves, we create a safer space for change." (6*)
So sometimes, the strongest will is actually the softest...
Because it doesn't force, it invites.
Behavior Neuroscience: Prefrontal Cortex / Amygdala Balance
It is the feeling of trust, not coercion, that leads to habit formation.
The most critical mechanism of the brain related to change and habits is actually not as complex as we think...
On one side is the prefrontal cortex (decision making, self-control, direction setting) and on the other side is the amygdala (threat perception, stress, fear response).
When we try to exert willpower, these two centers are in a game of tug-of-war.
Experiences such as coercion, guilt, anger at oneself, etc. activate the amygdala, which signals the brain that "danger is present". (7*) For example, when we say to ourselves "you failed again!", the amygdala perceives this as a real threat.
In such moments, the prefrontal cortex, which manages learning, change and self-control, is deactivated. (9*)
In other words, the more pressure we put on ourselves, the lower our capacity to change, to understand, to learn.
On the contrary, when we approach ourselves with compassion, understanding, trust, the amygdala calms down. (7-9*) The nervous system comes out of threat mode. This allows the prefrontal cortex to re-engage.
And at that moment, the person both thinks clearly and finds the energy to implement a new behavior.
This is why neuroscience is so clear that it is not the firmness of will that forms habits, but the trust mode of the nervous system. (11*)
When there is trust, the brain stretches. It learns. It creates new pathways. And change finds a direction.
If there is coercion, the brain locks up. It becomes defensive. It shuts down even what it has learned.
In short, willpower is strengthened not by pressure, but by the calmness of the nervous system.
Therefore, "compassionate willpower" is not just a state of mind, but a real neuroscientific advantage.
Neuroplasticity: Small and Gentle Repetitions Reshape the Brain
Neuroplasticity refers to the brain's capacity to change throughout life. (10*)
But this change does not happen in big decisions, revolutionary steps, or "sudden transformations" as many people think.
The brain follows small but regular repetitions. (10*) Light, sustained, low-effort behaviors...
This is what transforms neural networks most effectively.
Doing something relaxed for 1 minute every day is more powerful than doing it forcefully for 1 hour once a week.
Because the brain learns from repetition, not from pressure.
Neuroplasticity shows us that
Coercion signals threat to the brain... Gentle repetition signals trust. And learning only happens in trust mode. em>(10-11*)
When we try to maintain behavior by judging, blaming, pressuring "I have to do this!", the brain perceives the threat and builds resistance.
This is why many people eagerly start big goals, but quit because the system cannot handle the pressure.
On the contrary, "small but gentle" repetition supports the brain's reward circuits. The neural pathways are slowly strengthened. The new behavior becomes a natural preference. (10*)
Just like when a lawn is crossed by the same path every day, it becomes a smooth walkway...
The brain loves repetition and makes the pathway permanent.
This is why real change comes not from saying, "I am going to do this by force," but from saying, "Let me take a small step today" and "I will repeat it as often as possible."
Neuroplasticity whispers to us:
Sustainable is kind.
Sustainable is small.
Compassionate is transformative.
Real Problem and Solution Suggestions
Problem
The problem actually starts when we are children, when we do not know life. The ages when we are children are the ages when we are most prone to receive and learn. At this age, some of us are being taught something by our parents, some by teachers, relatives, friends. This pressurized state of learning penetrates into us without making us feel it; over the years, it turns into the tone of our inner voice.
Then, when this does not happen in a situation where we are expected to show willpower, to change, to behave differently, that inner voice persecutes us. It says we are incompetent, it says we are inadequate, it says we lack willpower. It says we can't do it...
We torment ourselves without realizing it.
In fact, we are trying to improve ourselves...
But at the same time, that old voice inside sabotages us.
So, without even realizing it, we are putting stones in our own path and we don't even understand what we are resisting.
Because it's not the enemy, it's us again.
How can we ever understand, how can we ever be victorious? After all, it is ourselves we are struggling with.
Solution Suggestions
Giving direction with awareness - not the goal, choosing a direction
Many people think of change as "setting goals".
But often the goal is too much, even when we are at the beginning of the journey. (8*)
"I will exercise every day." (You can't.)
"I will never get angry again." (You get so angry...)
"I will not act like this anymore." (If every time you acted like that a light went on, the world would light up a lot!)
These hard goals, instead of strengthening our willpower, back it into a corner.
Because the goal pushes the mind into a constant "you did it / you didn't do it" dilemma.
A person who walks with awareness, on the other hand, chooses not the goal, but the direction in which the goal is on its course.
Today I choose to speak from a quieter place.
Today I choose to approach myself a little more gently.
Today I choose to move forward, even if only half a step.
When we choose the direction, the path opens by itself. Because the direction doesn't ask for pressure; it asks for repetition.
And that path carries us forward, not forces us.
Gentle discipline - making space for small steps
True transformation comes from small repetitions, not big decisions.
This "gentle discipline" is neither spoiled nor sloppy.
It is being able to say to yourself:
"Just one step is enough today."
Because small steps do not threaten the mind.
They reduce resistance...
Thereby engaging the prefrontal cortex and relieving the pressure of the amygdala.
So when the brain sees a soft repetition, it says:
"This is safe... I can keep doing this."
It is this sense of confidence that creates habit.
Not coercion.
Emotional regulation - taking action by calming the body, not the mind
Willpower is often lost in the emotional storm.
We want to do something, but inside we are tense.
We want to start, but the body is stiff.
Emotions that contradict our behavior are running rampant...
There is a critical point here:
The mind becomes clear only when the body is calm. (11*)
When the nervous system is regulated, the prefrontal cortex is reactivated.
That is, our capacity to make decisions, to regulate and to change behavior is restored.
So sometimes, instead of "willpowering", it is enough just to soften the breath,relax the body,lower the shoulders and make space.
The body calms down...
The mind is refreshed...
The action follows naturally, as it is repeated it becomes a habit, the habit strengthens the neural pathways and before we know it, what was once challenging us has now evolved into something that moves us forward...
I had to share a moment from myself again...
For the last year or two I have been trying to learn how to play the guitar and music theory, to add to my skills. But this endeavor requires its own patience, organization and effort. I need to practice daily so that muscle memory develops, etc... I have a laziness in me, don't ask me (my inner voice was telling me this at the time, saying I was lazy, don't misunderstand)...
I said, this is not going to work, the best thing is for me to set a goal for myself!
I said, I will practice guitar for 1 hour every day. I set the goal. Then I kept the goal for a while, then I missed it, I got sick, I went on vacation, etc., so I started to get further and further away from the goal. But not only am I getting further and further away from the goal, but I'm also being insulted by my inner voice. It says I'm lazy, it says I can't keep my promises, it says you're good for nothing...
I realized this wasn't going to work, so I thought, let me see what can be done...
Then, while writing these articles, I realized that the more I didn't persecute myself, the more I set and achieve small goals, the calmer my inner voice became. It started to say, it happens, after all, you are on vacation, you would practice if you had your guitar with you, or it even started to show me that I can practice in a more positive way that I can improve myself.
I mean, what I am trying to explain is this:
What I saw while I was struggling with myself was that,when I force it, it doesn't happen...
When I approach it softly, with kindness, it starts to happen.
It turns out that change doesn't happen when we wage war on ourselves, but when we extend a hand to ourselves.
Sometimes the way forward is not to push ourselves, but to make room for ourselves.
Conclusion and Message to the Reader
Willpower is not about persecuting ourselves, nor is it about being our own master. Willpower is being patient, kind, understanding with yourself.
I haven't forgotten your question. I think you should answer this question in your heart:
How do you treat yourself when you fail at something, when you are wrong, or when you do something you don't want to do, something you shouldn't do?
In the next article, I will try to think a little bit about acceptance. We will talk about whether "acceptance" is passivity or the most active state of consciousness. We will see together how we can transform without waging war on ourselves.
Source
- Heraclitus - Fragments (6th century BC)
- Baruch Spinoza - Ethica (1677)
- Epictetus - Enchiridion & Dialogues (1st century A.D.)
- Buddha - Sutta Pitaka (5th century BC)
- Zen Tradition - Dogen, Shobogenzo (13th century). century)
- Kristin Neff - Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself (2011)
- Joseph LeDoux - Research on the amygdala and threat mechanisms (1996-2012).
- Roy Baumeister & Todd Heatherton - Neuroscience research on PFC-Amygdala interaction
- Neuroscience research on PFC-Amygdala interaction
- Neuroplasticity - Doidge/Merzenich
- Trust - threat balance in the nervous system - Stephen Porges - Polyvagal Theory (1994-2011).
