After deciding to write again last year, I began my first piece with the following sentence:
Every feeling that a person experiences but that teaches them nothing is a form of self-torture.
Forty-four articles have passed since then, and in this piece, I realize that we have come full circle to a similar topic.
A person's emotional state is somewhat like this. There are certain emotions that come back again and again. Recognizing them once, understanding them once, is not enough to transform them.
The same restlessness, the same constriction, the same inner voice comes back again and again. Until we respond to it differently.
To slightly rephrase the opening sentence, we could say that an emotion that makes a person feel restless, if it does not transform into a response that increases peace, becomes a form of self-torture.
So perhaps it is time to ask the following question:
Will we continue to be swept away by these feelings, or will we turn them into a compass that determines our direction?
What I mean here is not to eliminate feelings, but to turn them into a sign that increases peace.
In short, this article is an experiment that explores whether we can respond to our emotions differently rather than fighting them.
Instead of suppressing, ignoring, or immediately trying to change the signals carried by negative emotions, we will look together at whether it is possible to transform them into small habits that will take our lives to a better place.
Philosophical Background
Aristotle - Hexis and Character as Habit
Aristotle's concept of hexis can be thought of, in its simplest form, as a state that a person acquires and internalizes over time. (1*) It is not a single momentary feeling or action; it is the gradual transformation of repeated experiences, choices, and habits into character.
In other words, hexis is like the internal order a person establishes for themselves.
For example, going for a walk at similar times every day, taking short breaks to breathe at certain times of the day, or the reactions we repeatedly give when we experience a certain emotion...
This accumulated state is what hexis refers to: we can think of it as a silent internal architecture shaped by our own emotions, habits, and choices.
Think of a set of habits; they don't have to be "good" or "bad" on their own, but they work like a background that quietly shapes a person's character.
The situation is no different with routines... It is useful to define routines not as a list of moral duties, but as the forms we give to life itself.
Our repetitive movements throughout the day actually create an internal rhythm of who we are. That's why routine is not a performance arena; on the contrary, it can be a ground where emotions can breathe.
Our emotions are not our enemies. They are experiences reshaped within our habits. The feeling an emotion gives us may be jarring at first; but encountering the same emotion again and again, from different perspectives, can help us smooth its sharp edges and, over time, transform that feeling into a new state within us.
In previous articles, we talked more about "facing the truth." There, the focus was on what is right. Here, the issue is how this truth is experienced...
We may not be able to change the truth, but the internal order we weave around it can be different.
Spinoza - Emotions, Affect, and Continuity
According to Spinoza, humans are exposed to countless influences throughout their lives; these influences, or affectus, constantly shape the human emotional world.
But the point is not to suppress or eliminate these emotions. (2*) Because every suppressed emotion returns from somewhere else. What matters is to understand these feelings, if not to transform them, then at least to give them a different direction.
Humans only grow stronger within a continuum. A single moment of awareness or high motivation does not create long-term change.
True strength accumulates within small repetitions and gentle rhythms. When we can establish an order that accompanies the natural flow of emotions, inner resilience is formed.
This is where routines come in. Instead of using them as a disciplinary tool against emotions, we can try to use them as a foundation upon which emotions can be carried.
A routine does not force feelings; rather, it creates space for them to circulate within us and gradually transform. Thus, even the weight of an intense emotion becomes something we can bear over time.
In short, what Spinoza whispers to us is this:
We should not fight our emotions.
We should give them continuity, carry them into the rhythm of our lives. If we do this, our emotions cease to be a sail that drags us along; they can become a compass that guides us.
Scientific Background
Neuroscience - Why Do Emotions Need Rhythm?
One of the most fundamental needs of our nervous system is predictability. (3*) When the brain cannot predict which emotion will come when and how, it feels threatened. That's why we can soothe our nervous system with small, repetitive rhythms.
Simple, repeated behaviors throughout the day (always drinking your morning coffee in the same corner, taking a short walk, or taking regular breathing breaks) send an invisible signal of reassurance to our brain: "There is order here." This order reduces the perception of threat and softens the intensity of intense emotions.
Psychology Perspective
From a psychological perspective, emotions are not momentary bursts, but processes that unfold over time. (4*) An emotion manifests itself in waves throughout the body and mind; rather than trying to suppress or eliminate it, building structures that accompany it increases our inner resilience. (5*)
The phrase "managing emotions" sometimes unconsciously places us in a performance arena. However, what we need to do to live with our emotions is to build small routines that accompany their flow. These routines allow emotions to gradually change shape; anger, anxiety, or sadness become bearable over time and can sometimes even be transformed.In short, both neuroscience and psychology show us this: Emotions need rhythm. Because rhythm gives the nervous system confidence, nourishes psychological resilience, and allows emotions to become a compass that guides us.
Real Problem and Solution Suggestions
Managing Emotions - The Fatigue
Problem - The Exhaustion of Trying to Manage Emotions
At some point, the relationship a person builds with their own emotions can turn into an invisible burden. Especially when we are constantly searching for the "right response"...
How much of each emotion should I feel, when should I let go, where should I appear strong? This silent calculation draws energy like a tab that remains constantly open in our minds. It's as if understanding our emotions isn't enough; we feel we also need to manage them "well." And that's when that familiar inner voice pops up:
"Am I feeling this wrong too?"
And so, it's not the emotions themselves that tire us, but the constant effort to control them.
That's why I think it's useful to make a clear distinction here:
The problem isn't emotions.
The problem is our misguided perspective on what we should do with them.
In fact, emotions come and go, just like waves.
But every time we jump on the wave and try to steer it, we drain our own energy.
Instead of trying to manage emotions, creating a suitable ground for them may be healthier. (6*) Because what people really need is not to suppress or transform their emotions, but to learn not to get lost in them as they pass through.
This state of exhaustion is also a sign that we have lost the rhythm of life. And the solution may not be more control, but rather establishing a safe space through which we can pass through our emotions, with small but steady consistency.
Solution Suggestions
Redefining Routines
When we listen to them, routines often evoke associations of discipline, order, and willpower. They are like little projects we set up for ourselves to put our lives on track.
But the routine I'm talking about here isn't that kind of thing. When we turn it into a performance arena where we constantly monitor ourselves, we miss the real potential that emotions carry.
What a Routine Is Not
A routine is not a discipline project.
What we call routine is not actually a chain of commands we establish to constantly improve ourselves; on the contrary, it should be a foundation we establish to carry life.
It is not a self-correction tool.
Starting a routine should not stem from the feeling of "I am wrong, I need to correct myself," but rather from the need to "make space for my inner voice."
It is not a guarantee of feeling better.
Routines alone are not a recipe for happiness. But they can help us stay grounded when we feel bad.
What Can a Routine Be?
Routines can be a safe ground for emotions.
We can think of them as a quiet space that allows emotions to flow within us, making them portable without suppressing them.
Even small repetitions, such as focusing on our breathing, can instantly bring our mind and body back into balance.
We can use routines not to tightly manage life, but to avoid being swept away by our emotions as we navigate through them.
Recognizing this distinction transforms the routine from a to-do list into a structure that breathes with the flow of life. The goal here is not to feel good, but to keep moving forward without losing ourselves in whatever state we find ourselves in.
Micro Routines for Emotion Regulation
I'm not telling anyone here to "do this, feel that." Because I know that emotions are not things that can be ordered into line. However, the small rhythms that accompany them can create safe spaces that open up naturally in life.
For example, when intense emotions are followed by waves of overwhelming feelings, we can establish a small transitional behavior for ourselves:
Opening the window and taking a deep breath, going for a short walk, or standing by a glass of water for a few minutes. It's that simple. There are also small reminders throughout the day that help us "not abandon ourselves." Putting down the phone and focusing solely on our breath for two minutes, or consciously performing a routine action... These help us stay grounded within ourselves despite the weight of our emotions.
Sometimes, habits that maintain contact with the emotion, without trying to resolve it immediately, are helpful. Writing down what we feel in a notebook, or playing a song that we think will make us feel peaceful while experiencing that emotion. Let the emotion flow, and let's accompany it...
Without intervening; without trying to increase or decrease it. Just noticing the emotion and observing it as it is...
These small micro-routines won't create miracles. But as we navigate through our feelings, they can teach us not to fall apart. Sometimes all we need is a gentle rhythm accompanying our emotions.
Conclusion and Message to the Reader
Not Transformation, but Continuity
I don't want routines to be understood as a cure for all ills, as the solution to everything.
It would be a bit unrealistic to think that our lives will suddenly change completely just because we wake up one morning and change a few small habits.
But these small repetitions keep us grounded in our own lives. They help us weather the emotional ups and downs, preventing us from being tossed about by the tides of feeling.
The real issue isn't always feeling good; it's learning to stay centered even when we feel bad, to remain at peace. Because emotions will flow, waves will come and go. What we can do is not lose touch with ourselves as we go through them, maintain our inner peace, and stand firm.
Not in the shadow of willpower and discipline, but with a gentle inner order that can breathe with our emotions...
But life is not static either. Our emotions change, our burdens shift, and sometimes the same rhythm is no longer enough.
This is precisely where the question arises:
Which will serve us better: maintaining the same order, or learning to allow the order to change along with our emotions?
In the next article, we will explore together what this silent architecture needs when emotions change; how we can readjust the rhythm without turning continuity into rigidity.
Until then, stay with love.p>
References and Inspirational Texts
- Aristotle – Nicomachean Ethics
- Spinoza – Ethics
- Stephen Porges – The Polyvagal Theory
- Lisa Feldman Barrett – How Emotions Are Made
- Antonio Damasio – The Feeling of What Happens
- Steven C. Hayes – Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
