In the last article, we talked about the fine line between adaptation and avoidance, about the way we lie to ourselves gently. And at the end we left the question hanging: What if we realize that we are really avoiding?
Last week I experienced just that.
I needed to call and talk to a friend and I had been putting it off for months.
"It's not the time, I'm busy right now, I'll call when the time is right."
But as I was writing that article I realized that the reason I hadn't called was simple: I was avoiding the call.
Because in that conversation I would have to face myself, I would have to apologize, I would have to admit a mistake.
Okay, I realized that, that's good. But what do I do now?"
Two voices rose up inside me:
The first voice: "Can't you forgive yourself? People make mistakes, don't be so hard on yourself. Be flexible."
Second voice: "Enough with the excuses. Get up and call this person. Be an adult."
The first one was very compassionate, but there was a hidden looseness in it.
The second one was very honest, but there was a harsh pressure in it.
One was comforting me, but it kept me in my place.
The other was nudging me, but it kept me breathing.
I realized right then that I had to stand somewhere in between. I must neither punish myself nor continue to lie to myself like that.
Sartre once said: "Freedom is accepting that we cannot avoid making choices."
But I would like to add to that: Maturity is being able to look at ourselves with both honesty and compassion after we have made choices.
This article is about mapping that very point.
Philosophical and Scientific Background
Philosophical Perspective
Hannah Arendt: The Politics of Forgiveness and New Beginnings
Hannah Arendt does not see forgiveness as merely erasing the past. For her, forgiveness is the power to make a new start for the future. "The power to forgive" Arendt says, "is the only tool given to man to free himself from the chains of the past." (1*)
But there is a very important point here: Forgiveness is not about avoiding responsibility. On the contrary, it is to move forward carrying the responsibility. Forgiving ourselves works in the same way. Both seeing the mistake and not defining ourselves by that mistake.
For me, this means the following: A mistake I made in the past does not have to define who I am today. But when I ignore it, I continue to live in its shadow. Forgiveness is the doorway out of that shadow.
Once we accept that forgiveness is an act that opens the future, the question becomes inevitable: What about our relationship with the past?
Nietzsche: Remorse of Conscience and "Amor Fati" (Loving Fate)
Nietzsche says that remorse of conscience is often a vicious circle. "Guilt" he says "is turning our strength inward and punishing ourselves." But what Nietzsche proposes is something completely different: Amor fati - to love fate. (2*)
But this does not mean, "It is done, let it go." On the contrary, it means "it happened, now what am I going to do with it?" To accept what happened as it happened, but not to remain passive.
I think what Nietzsche is reminding us here is that holding on to the past is weakness. But to turn to the future is not to ignore the past. There is a thin path between them. Walking that path requires both honesty and compassion.
Aristotle: Phronesis (Practical Wisdom) and the Middle Way
Aristotle's concept of phronesis comes into play here. Phronesis is the virtue of acting in the right way at the right moment. No more, no less.
The same balance applies to ourselves:
- Neither excessive compassion (avoiding responsibility under the pretext of self-forgiveness)
- Neither excessive harshness (constantly punishing oneself)
The middle way is this: Seeing the error, taking action to change, and acting without forgetting that you are a human being. (3*)
Perhaps wisdom is to strike this balance. But we must remember that this balance is not fixed. It is something that has to be found anew every moment.
Buddhist Philosophy: Self-Compassion and Awareness
In Buddhist teaching there is a concept called "metta". Love and kindness. But the interesting thing is that this love is directed first towards ourselves and then towards others. Because if we cannot take care of ourselves with compassion, we cannot truly take care of others with compassion. (4*)
But there is a subtle distinction here too: Self-compassion is not self-favoritism. True compassion is seeing the pain and taking action to alleviate it. So it's not "forgiving myself" it's "looking at myself as a human being."
What this means for me is this: When I make a mistake, to look at myself as a friend, not as an enemy. But also to do my best to help that friend grow.
Scientific Perspective
Psychology: Kristin Neff and Self-Compassion Research
Kristin Neff has put this subject on a scientific basis with her research on self-compassion. According to Neff, there are three basic components of self-compassion:
- Self-Kindness - Being kind to yourself instead of judging yourself.
- Common Humanity - Seeing that mistakes are human instead of isolating yourself because "I am the only one who makes mistakes".
- Mindfulness - Seeing the situation as it is ("I failed this time"), instead of over-identifying with it ("I am a failure").
Research shows that: People who are high in self-compassion accept their mistakes and change more easily. This is because self-compassion does not create laziness; on the contrary, it provides a healthier motivation. (5*, 6*)
I think what is important here is that being compassionate to ourselves is actually a tool to move ourselves to a better place. Punishing ourselves, on the contrary, keeps us in the same place.
Neuroscience: Guilt vs. Shame - Brain Differences
Neuroscience research shows that there is an important difference between guilt and shame:
Guilt: "What I did was wrong.", focuses on behavior and leads to repair.
Shame: "I am wrong.", focuses on identity and leads to hiding and running away.
Shame deactivates the prefrontal cortex and triggers the amygdala. So it puts our brain in "danger mode". Guilt, on the other hand, activates the anterior cingulate cortex and motivates us to correct. (7*, 8*)
This is a very enlightening distinction for me. Because when we say to ourselves "What a bad person you are", our brain perceives it as an attack and becomes defensive. But when we say "This behavior was wrong", our brain sees it as a solvable problem.
So it's not just moral or psychological; our body also feels this difference very clearly.
Forgiveness from a Neurobiological Perspective
Neuroscience research on forgiveness also shows interesting results. Forgiveness activates the anterior cingulate cortex and dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. Unforgiveness, on the other hand, creates a chronic stress response and increases cortisol levels.
In other words, self-forgiveness is not an escape, but actually a neurobiological regulation strategy. (9*, 10*)
Perhaps forgiving ourselves is telling our brain: "This is over, there is no more danger, we can move forward."
Behavioral Psychology: Motivation for Change
Self-Determination Theory says that intrinsic motivation comes from three basic needs:
- Autonomy: I chose it myself.
- Competence: I can do it.
- Relatedness: I am not alone.
Punishing yourself damages all three. Forgiving yourself, but not changing, again damages autonomy.
But the balance is this: "I made a mistake (awareness), I can change (competence), this is very human (relatedness)." (11*)
Perhaps this is where true motivation arises.
Real Problem and Solution Suggestions
The Real Problem
The Tension Between Forgiveness and Change
The problem is this: When we forgive ourselves, we often forget the responsibility to change. By saying "I am being compassionate to myself" we are actually saying "I will not think about it again."
But when we force ourselves to change, we are often cruel. By saying "I won't make mistakes anymore", we are putting ourselves under a constant test.
It is necessary to stand somewhere between these two extremes.
If excessive compassion is combined with irresponsibility,
we start saying "Yes, I ran away, but it's normal, everyone does it, never mind." This gives us relief, but it does not lead us to take steps for change, on the contrary, it opens the door to escape. Although it may feel good in the short term, in the long term it keeps us in the same place.
If Excessive Honesty is combined with cruelty;
"You did it again? You'll never change, you loser."
Although it contains awareness, because it is so harsh, it leads us to guilt, not motivation.
What we really need is right there;
When we make a mistake and realize it, it is possible to both see the mistake and treat ourselves as human beings.
We can both forgive ourselves and take action to change.
But how?
Solution Proposals
How to Live Honesty and Compassion at the Same Time?
I am honored to share with you, my readers, these cures that I prepared for myself:
Three Step Dialogue - "Yes, And..."
There is a way to unite the two voices inside us: "And" instead of "But."
Step 1 - Honesty: "Yes, I ran away. I didn't call my friend I should have."
Step 2 - Compassion: "And it's a very human thing. It's normal to be afraid, to put it off."
Step 3 - Responsibility: "And I will call now."
"But" sets two truths against each other. "And" puts them side by side. Perhaps maturity is the ability to hold these "ands" side by side.
"How Would I Talk to a Friend?" Test
When we don't know how to talk to ourselves, we can ask: If a friend of mine was in the same situation, what would I say to him/her?
I would probably not say "never mind, it doesn't matter", nor would I say "how pathetic you are". Maybe I would say: "I understand, it was difficult. But what can you do now?"
We can talk to ourselves in the same way.
"Behavior and Identity" Separation
When we make a mistake, we often attach it to our identity:
Wrong: "I am a runaway." (Here, by conflating our identity with the wrong, we minimize the possibility of change.)
Right: "I ran away this time." (Here, we accept the behavior honestly, but we do not associate it with identity.)
Behavior can change; identity is more flexible than we think. Attributing to identity traps us in that identity. Attributing fault to behavior makes change possible.
Attributing fault to identity traps us in that identity.
Small Action, Right Now
The bridge between forgiveness and change: A small action.
For example, instead of immediately picking up the phone and having a long conversation with a friend I need to call, I can first send a message. Or instead of writing for an hour, I can write for 5 minutes.
This says both "I am treating myself with compassion" (small step) and "I am taking responsibility" (action).
Perhaps change begins with such small steps.
"Make a deal with the future-me"
I can make a promise to myself:
"Today I accept this mistake. I forgive myself. But tomorrow, at the next opportunity, I will make a different choice."
This both closes the past and opens the future. Both can exist at the same time.
Daily Practice - "What Did I See and Do Today?"
Every evening I can ask myself three questions:
- What did I notice about myself today? (Honesty)
- What have I done/will do about it? (Responsibility)
- How have I treated myself? (Compassion check)
This triad helps me to stay in balance. Because both awareness, action and compassion can exist at the same time.
Paradox: They Can Exist at the Same Time
Perhaps our biggest misconception is that forgiveness and change are not opposites.
We often think:
Either I will forgive myself and not change; I will continue to behave the same way...
Or I will criticize myself harshly; I will believe that this will help me change.
However, the reality is the opposite:
When I forgive myself, space opens up within me to change.
When I punish myself, I become defensive and shut down.
As Jung said: "What we don't accept controls us" (12*)
So admitting my mistake is a prerequisite for me to change it. Being hard on myself creates a resistance that prevents change.
Perhaps this is maturity: To be able to hold both at the same time.
"Yes, I made a mistake. And I am more than that mistake. And I can change."
Conclusion and Message to the Reader
As I come to the end of this article, I realize that awareness is just the beginning. The real work begins after the realization.
What do we do after we realize that we have been lying to ourselves? That is the question.
Perhaps the answer is: Neither by beating ourselves up nor by ignoring ourselves. By standing right in the middle.
Honesty in one hand, compassion in the other.
It is not an easy balance. Many times we will slip to one side or the other. Sometimes we will be too soft, sometimes too hard on ourselves. But perhaps it is precisely being aware of these shifts that makes us human.
As Nietzsche said: "Man is something to be transcended." (13*) But I would like to add to this: Let us not be enemies to ourselves while transcending.
But here a new question arises: What if we tried to change, but we made the same mistake again? How many times should we forgive ourselves?"
What should we do in the face of repeating patterns?"
In the next post, we will look at the psychology of repeating mistakes; why we find it difficult to break certain patterns and how we can break the cycle.
Till then, be honest and compassionate with yourself. Both can exist at the same time.
Source and Inspired Texts
- Arendt, H. - The Human Condition
- Nietzsche, F. - Thus Spoke Zarathustra
- Aristotle - Nicomachean Ethics (Phronesis)
- Buddhaghosa - Visuddhimagga (Path of Purification - Metta)
- Neff, K. (2003) - Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself
- Neff, K. & Germer, C. (2013) - A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program
- Tangney, J.P. & Dearing, R.L. (2002) - Shame and Guilt
- Brown, B. (2006) - Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study
- Farrow, T.F. et al. (2005) - Neural correlates of self-referential thinking
- Worthington, E.L. & Scherer, M. (2004) - Forgiveness is an emotion-focused coping strategy
- Deci, E.L. & Ryan, R.M. (2000) - The "What" and "Why" of Goal Pursuits: Human Needs and the Self-Determination of Behavior
- Jung, C.G. - Modern Man in Search of a Soul
- Nietzsche, F. - Thus Spoke Zarathustra
