In the last two articles, we talked about the importance of recognizing when we are lying to ourselves and then being both honest and compassionate. Awareness came, intentions were formed, small steps were taken. Good.
But last week I did the same thing again.
I put things off again.
This time I didn't even make excuses. I was just careful not to run away from the truth, but as if on autopilot, I found myself in the same place again.
And at that moment I thought: How many times have I been through this? How many times have I said "I won't do it again" and I did it again?"
Freud calls this "repetition compulsion". We unconsciously repeat over and over again painful experiences that we know. It is as if we are trying to solve something, but each time we come to the same conclusion. (1*)
It is like Camus' Sisyphus. Every day we push the rock up, every evening the rock rolls down. And the next morning the same thing happens again.
But Sisyphus at least pushes his rock. We, on the other hand, often pass by without touching the rock, just saying "next time I will push it". Then we find ourselves at the bottom of the same hill, the same rock.
This article is to look inside this cycle. Why do we do it again even though we know? And can we really get out of this vicious circle?
The Philosophical and Scientific Background of the Subject
Philosophical Perspective
Camus: The Myth of Sisyphus and Absurd Repetition
Camus discusses Sisyphus in Greek mythology as follows: The gods sentenced him to push a boulder to the top of a mountain. But the rock rolls down every time. And Sisyphus repeats this forever.
Camus says: "We must imagine Sisyphus happy" (2*) because he owns the rock. He makes the seemingly meaningless repetition his own choice.
But our repetition is different. We don't even push the rock most of the time. We just say "we will push" again. We have the intention, not the action. And each repetition is a shadow of the previous one.
What is absurd is precisely this: We know we will change, we don't change, but we say again "this time I will change". This cycle itself is perhaps the greatest absurdity of modern man.
For me, what Camus reminds us here is that at least Sisyphus exists by his action. We, on the other hand, often live by our intentions, not by our actions.
Kierkegaard: The Concept of Repetition (Gjentagelse)
Kierkegaard makes a very interesting distinction when dealing with the concept of repetition. According to him, repetition is not just the return of the same thing. There are two types of repetition:
Repeat backwards: Living the past as it was, without any transformation. Repeating the same mistakes, the same patterns, the same reactions.
Forward repetition: Retrieving the past in a new form. Having the same experience, but with a different consciousness. (3*)
We are often in the first repetition. Same situations, same reactions, same results. There is no learning, no transformation.
Kierkegaard's question is: If we have to repeat, can we make it conscious and transformative?
I think the important thing here is that every repetition can be either a dungeon or a ritual. One imprisons us, the other transforms us. The difference is in consciousness.
Deleuze: Difference and Repetition - Nothing Repeats Exactly
Deleuze, one of the most important French philosophers of the 20th century, makes one of the most radical propositions in the history of philosophy: There is no such thing as "repetition" in the real sense. Every moment, every experience, though similar, is in fact different. (4*)
But we encode it in our minds as "the same". And so we dull it, we fix it.
For example, when we say, "I did the same thing again," in reality there are small differences each time. But we don't look at these differences. We just stick the label "the same".
It is not the event that repeats, but the meaning we give to it.
Deleuze reminds me of this: Maybe the problem is not that we repeat. The problem is that in repeating we learn nothing. We refuse to see the differences in repetition.
Scientific Perspective
Freud and Repetition Compulsion
Freud noticed something interesting in his clinical practice: People were unconsciously repeating painful experiences. They were getting into self-destructive patterns of relationships, they were having the same conflicts, they were making the same mistakes.
When he asked himself why this could happen, he concluded:
Because there is something unresolved. And the psyche (or soul, consciousness, whatever you call it) is trying to solve it. But instead of solving it, it repeats the same pattern. It is as if it says "this time I will succeed", but without realizing it, it approaches it with the same tools, the same method. (1*)
Repeating is actually an attempt to "gain mastery". The child repeats a traumatic event in his/her play, because this time he/she will be in control. But often this attempt fails.
According to Freud, what we repeat is actually what we cannot remember. The experience that cannot become memory becomes action and repeats.
For me this is very enlightening: Maybe some of our repetitions are screaming at us "there is something you haven't figured out yet".
Neuroscience: The Habit Loop and Brain Pathways
Neuroscience shows us how repetition works at the brain level.
Deep inside our brains, there is a structure called the basal ganglia. This structure is responsible for habit formation. When we repeat a behavior enough times, this structure kicks in and automatizes the behavior. (5*)
There is a rule in neuroscience: "Neurons that fire together, wire together" (Neurons that fire together, wire together). That is, the more we repeat a behavior, the stronger the neural pathway associated with that behavior becomes.
Charles Duhigg's model of the habit cycle has three stages:
- Cue: Trigger
- Routine: Behavior
- Reward: Gain
Many of our repeated mistakes have now become unconscious habits. The brain switches to automatic mode to save energy. And there is no opportunity for conscious decision-making.
Our brain is an efficiency machine. When it automates a behavior, it stops questioning it. At that point, conscious choice is lost.
Trauma and Repetition
As Bessel van der Kolk said: "The Body Keeps the Score" (6*)
Trauma is a frozen experience. It remains unprocessed, unresolved in the nervous system. And when certain triggers come along, the old response automatically kicks in.
Some of our recurring mistakes are actually replaying traumatic responses. The unconscious activates the old defense mechanism against an old threat.
For example, someone who was defensive when criticized as a child may react the same way to every criticism as an adult. The situation has changed, but the reaction is frozen.
As Peter Levine says, trauma is an incomplete reaction that remains in the body. (7*) And this reaction repeats itself under favorable conditions.
Neuroplasticity: Can the Brain Change?
The good news is that the brain is plastic. That is, it can change.
As Norman Doidge has shown, the brain can reshape itself with new experiences. (8*) Old neural pathways weaken, new ones strengthen.
But there is bad news: This change is slow and requires repeated effort.
According to research by Philippa Lally, it takes an average of 66 days to change a habit. (9*) But that's for simple habits. Complex behavior patterns can take longer.
And beware: Old neural pathways don't disappear. They only weaken. Under favorable conditions they can be activated again. That is why it is so easy to "fall back" into old patterns.
Real Problem and Solution Suggestions
The Real Problem
Why Do We Know and Yet Do It Again?
The problem is this: There is awareness, there is intention, sometimes even action. But after a while we find ourselves in the same place again.
This is not a simple matter of "weakness of will". It is much deeper.
There are several mechanisms behind repeated mistakes:
1. Neural habit: The brain has used the same path so many times that it now goes on autopilot. There is not even a chance to make a conscious decision. The trigger comes, the old reaction automatically kicks in.
2. Unresolved trauma: As Freud said, there is something that happened in the past that has not been processed. And the psyche tries to resolve it - but always in the same way, with the same failure.
3. Environmental triggers Same environment, same people, same time period... They all trigger the old behavior. And we are not even aware of it. The environment pulls us back to the old role.
4. Identity attachment We have attached that behavior to our identity because "I am like that". And identity change is much more difficult than behavior change. When we say "I am a procrastinator", we make that behavior part of our identity.
5. Secondary gains Sometimes that "mistake" actually gives us something. Procrastination gives us temporary escape from anxiety. Avoiding conflict gives us short-term peace of mind. So changing is not attractive to the unconscious.
And the hardest thing: All of this works unconsciously most of the time. When we say "this time I will change", deep in our brain old mechanisms are already working.
Solution Suggestions
What Can We Do to Break the Cycle?
I would like to share with you these practices that I have prepared for myself:
Mapping the Cycle
If there is a recurring mistake, it helps to note it. But without judging, just observing.
I ask myself the following questions:
- When is this happening? (What day, time, situation)
- How does it start? (What is the trigger? What thought, emotion, event?)
- What do I feel in the middle?
- What do I gain at the end? (Is there a secondary gain?)
This mapping makes the unconscious automatism visible. Because we cannot change what we cannot see.
For example, when I postponed calling my friend, I realized that every time around 8 p.m. I was thinking "now is not a good time". The trigger was not "8 p.m.". The trigger was "the end of the day". Because at the end of the day, I didn't want to carry the weight of that conversation.
Seeing this was the first step.
"What was different in the previous repetition?"
As Deleuze reminds us, nothing repeats exactly. There are small differences in each repetition. But we don't see them, because we put the label "the same thing again."
This time I tried this: With each repetition, I asked myself, "What was different this time?"
I said, "I didn't call again."
- This time I picked up the phone, the previous times I didn't.
- This time I thought about texting, the previous times I didn't even think about it.
- This time I said, "I'll call tomorrow," the previous times I said, "call sometime."
Small differences. But these differences showed me something: I was actually making progress, I just couldn't see it, because I looked at it as "always the same."
Seeing the differences in repetition gives us clues to change. And it gives us hope.
Neural Pathway Switching - Opening a New Route
If the brain is going automatically, it can help to put a small obstacle in the way of the automatic course.
When my old behavior reflex came up, I immediately tried adding an alternative action.
For example: When my procrastination reflex came (that familiar "not now" feeling), I immediately did something new: For 2 minutes I just sat and breathed, doing nothing.
This added a "mezzanine" between the old routine and the new routine. It opened a gap between the old automatic response and the new conscious choice.
The brain reinforces this new course over time. But this requires repetition. So a new repetition, to break the old repetition.
Perhaps the change is not to stop repeating, but to repeat something different.
Environmental Intervention - Changing the Trigger
Sometimes it is easier to change the environment than to change the behavior.
Do you always procrastinate in the same place? Change that place. Do you always have the same thoughts at the same time? Change that time. Do you always have the same conflict with the same people? Change the format of the meeting.
When the environment changes, the old automatic response is not triggered. Because the brain says "this is not the familiar situation" and goes into conscious mode.
I have tried this: When I was going to call my friend, I tried to call outside, not from home. I called while walking. The environment changed, the old procrastination reflex did not come.
"If-Then" Plan (Implementation Intention)
Peter Gollwitzer's research showed that: "If X happens, then I will do Y" plans increase behavior change by 300%. (10*)
Because this plan builds a bridge between the trigger and the new response in advance. The brain knows what to do when it encounters the situation.
I tried this:
"If at 8pm the thought 'not available now' comes up, then I will pick up my phone and just hold it for 10 seconds. I don't have to call, I just hold the phone."
This little plan worked surprisingly well. Because "calling" seemed like a very big step. But "holding the phone for 10 seconds" was very small. And in those 10 seconds, I decided to actually call.
"Repeat Counter" and Compassionate Observation
Note each repetition without judgment: "It happened 3 times this week."
It is important not to judge. Because judgment triggers the defense mechanism and prevents seeing.
Just counting increases awareness.
I wrote down every moment of procrastination in a notebook. "Monday 8 p.m., I didn't call." "Wednesday 10 a.m., I thought about calling but didn't."
When I looked at it a week later, I saw a pattern. It always happened in the evening. It always came with the feeling of "the day is ending."
This simple observation taught me a lot. And awareness is the first step to change.
Dancing with Repetition
But there is something important here: Maybe the goal is not to never repeat.
Because repetition is part of being human. Like Sisyphus' rock, some things will always return.
As Kierkegaard said: The question is not whether we repeat, but how we repeat.
Do we repeat unconsciously or consciously? Do we repeat with the same result, or with a small difference each time? Do we repeat as an enemy to ourselves or as a learner?
Perhaps maturity is this: Instead of saying "I won't do it again", to be able to say "Next time I'll realize it a little earlier".
Because change often doesn't happen all at once. It happens slowly, over and over again, a little more consciously each time.
Like Camus' Sisyphus, maybe we can push our rock happily. But first we have to see the rock. Then we have to name it. Then we have to establish a new relationship with it.
Conclusion and Message to the Reader
As I come to the end of this article, I realize that our repeated mistakes are actually telling us something.
As Freud said, there is something unresolved. And we are trying to solve it, but our method is wrong.
Perhaps the real change is in changing that method.
Instead of asking ourselves "why did you do it again", we should ask ourselves "what is this repetition trying to tell you".
And most importantly: Every repetition is a data point, not a failure. It teaches us something. If we are willing to look.
As Deleuze reminds us, nothing repeats exactly. In every repetition there are small differences. To see those differences is to see the seeds of change.
Perhaps the deepest question is: What can I learn from this repetition? What about our environment that pushes us to repeat? Our friends, our family, our work environment... They all recognize us as the "old me" and treat us as such. As we try to change, is the environment pulling us back to our old self?
In the next post, we will look at the role of the environment in the change process; how people hold on to our "old version" and how we can manage this dynamic.
Till then, look at your repetitions with compassion. Each one is trying to teach you something.
Source and Inspired Texts
- Freud, S. (1920) - Beyond the Pleasure Principle
- Camus, A. - The Myth of Sisyphus
- Kierkegaard, S. - Repetition
- Deleuze, G. - Difference and Repetition
- Graybiel, A.M. (2008) - Habits, rituals, and the evaluative brain
- van der Kolk, B. (2014) - The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
- Levine, P. (1997) - Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma
- Doidge, N. (2007) - The Brain That Changes Itself
- Lally, P. et al. (2010) - How are habits formed: Modeling habit formation in the real world
- Gollwitzer, P.M. & Sheeran, P. (2006) - Implementation intentions and goal achievement: A meta-analysis of effects and processes
