We wake up in the morning, we have slept so well... What a beautiful morning, the sun is out, the birds are singing, Our heads are clear. We are at peace. And let's say we're with a dear friend or lover. We will meet, we think there cannot be a more peaceful day.
We set off with a smile on our faces.
We arrive at the meeting place, and when we see him, our smiles are one notch higher. A few minutes pass, after chatting a little bit, we see that the other person is sullen, obviously not at peace like us. not in it. Oh, really? We need to make him peaceful too. Let's ask him if we can solve his problem We think. We ask: "are you okay, did something happen"? And the first thing he says to us is: "and you're asking?". And all of a sudden we're thinking, where have we come from and where are we now, and the other person tells us about a behavior we did in the past. he reminds us, he says he is angry, he talks about something we are not even aware of. Trying to understand we work, we ask questions. But he gives a sarcastic answer to every question. The environment is getting heavier and heavier.
Inside we're thinking: "But what have I done?"
And we are right in our own way. The other person that day is wrong. We know that, and probably so does he.
So what do we do?
When faced with such situations, we usually take one of two paths.
The first way is: we lose our temper and explode. "How can you treat me like this?" We raise our voice, our words become harsher. We prove that we are right, but there is nothing left to prove anymore, because our relationship is damaged. You know how we were at peace when we started out, now we are right, but our peace is gone, and so are we without doing anything...
The second way: we keep it inside. We take it down. We say, "OK, I'll think about it," we don't think about it. we change it. In the short term, the fire is put out, but injustice continues to accumulate. And this accumulation will one day it comes out in a different way, peace of mind is gone again, why does everything have to be so difficult? we ask ourselves. We had started the day peacefully...
It seems that neither of these ways is the solution. Neither of them truly protects the relationship or our peace of mind.
But what are we going to do? Are we going to be a people who can't maintain our peace of mind and relationships? Or are we going to be a people who are more solid Is there a third way in which we can stop, in which we can better protect our peace of mind and our relationships?
Philosophical and Scientific Background
Philosophical perspective:
When two people come together willingly and lovingly, there are not just two separate individuals. There is a "we" in that relationship. is born. I like the way Aristotle puts it: "A friend is one soul living in two bodies." (1*)
Even though it says "friend" here, I actually perceive this sentence as friend, lover, lover. Even though it sounds romantic also carries with it a serious responsibility. If you and I are branches of the same sapling and one of us is bent at that moment, the other What is its mission?
The answer is neither to run nor to duck. Standing
Viktor Frankl says this: "There is a space between stimulus and response. Our growth and freedom in that space lies." (2*)
When someone provokes us unfairly, our brain wants to react immediately. But that's exactly what Frankl means: recognizing that to recognize the gap, to stop the automatic reaction and choose. Exploding is a choice, so is bottling it up. But standing up stopping is also a choice.
Epictetus approaches this from a different point of view: what we cannot control is how the other person behaves. What we can control is how we stand in the moment. (3*)
What I mean by standing firm is not being unaffected by the other person. Enough to pick him up if he falls, even if he's wrong unshaken enough not to break him, unshaken enough to protect him even from himself if necessary, no matter how much he persists in his wrongdoing. to be able to survive.
Scientific perspective:
John Gottman is a psychologist who has spent decades researching relationships. We've been told that there's something called "flooding" he talks about the concept that when the heartbeat crosses a certain threshold, the brain can no longer listen, it can no longer empathize, it so we can't think rationally. The brain is just trying to survive at that time. (4*)
Everything we say at that point does not improve the situation, it deepens it. And this goes both ways. If the other person is already at that point, when we get to the same point, there is no room for real communication.
Neuroscience supports this. When the brain perceives a threat, the prefrontal cortex deactivates. A harsh voice tone, a sarcastic answer, an unfair accusation is enough to trigger this reaction. In that moment, it is important to be empathetic, calm, constructive it becomes biologically extremely difficult to communicate.
So survival is not only a matter of intention. It is also a matter of practice.
Drawing the Line Without Closing the Door
So what exactly does it mean to survive?
It doesn't mean: to accept everything, to agree with the other person, to shut up. That would be to keep it inside, to stand not to stay
To be able to say: "I don't accept this way of speaking", but while saying that, we must also open the door not shutting down. Drawing clear boundaries but maintaining the relationship. Both are possible at the same time.
Marshall Rosenberg's remarks on nonviolent communication are very useful here. Rosenberg argues that in times of conflict that we often talk about our wounds, not our needs. "You always do it like this" vs. this makes me feel this way for this reason" is not the same thing. The second one is not only kinder, coming from a much more emotionally settled place. (5*)
And it is that embeddedness that makes it possible both to draw borders and to keep the door open.
A Personal Moment
It was not easy for me to understand this difference.
There was a period when I was either reacting too quickly and regretting it later, or I was keeping everything to myself and justifying myself. I was trying to prove it to myself, and they were both exhausting.
Then I realized that the real challenge is not to suppress the reaction. The real challenge is to give myself and the other person the same to be fair in the moment. Not to offend him while maintaining my boundaries. To be able to reach out to him when he is standing.
This is something that needs to be worked on, and it's not impossible.
Again, I would like to share with you these practices that I prepared for myself:
Using that space.
When I realize I'm triggered, I don't react immediately. I take a breath, that little space that Frankl talks about, enough to make a choice. Asking the question "What am I feeling right now?" sometimes changes everything.
Clarifying the boundary but not closing the door.
I can say, "I don't accept this way of talking." But I don't raise my voice when I say it, and I don't get out of the relationship. I don't retreat. I see the border as a frame, not a wall. shows, does not exclude.
Talking from need, not from hurt.
Instead of "You always do it like this", you can say "I feel like in this situation, I would like to talk to you in a different way. I want to say the same truth from a very different place.
Choosing to extend a hand. If the other person is doing wrong at that moment and I am standing, leaving them is also an option. But with love If we come together, lending a hand is also an option. This second one is much more difficult. And much stronger.
When two people get together, one of them may not always be the more stable one. The other person is having a bad day he/she may be going through something, he/she may be carrying a burden from the past, he/she may have lost himself/herself at that moment.
Being a survivor is not easy. It requires us both to manage our own emotions and to manage the relationship that we have to carry. But this capacity is not a personality trait, it is a practice. And like any practice, over time developing.
It is easy to close the door. Keeping it open while drawing boundaries requires something else: we need to be able to to carry respect for the other person at the same time.
Speaking of asking, I would like to leave you a question:
When was the last time you chose to protect the relationship even when you were right?
See you in the next article.
Until then, stay in love.
Source and Inspired Texts
(1*) Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics
(2*) Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
(3*) Epictetus, Enchiridion
(4*) John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
(5*) Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication
