Let's say that in a project that we have been working on for a long time, a decision was made without consulting us, without telling us. Maybe Maybe at work, maybe in the family, maybe in a friendship, something happened that we didn't like. It doesn't matter. It's always It creates a tension in us.
One of two things will probably happen at that moment.
Either we swallow and say to ourselves, "Don't make a big deal". "Don't be ridiculous. People are like that." We move on, but that tension it stays in one place and doesn't disappear. It runs through our minds as we sleep at night. Weeks later, suddenly, on a completely different subject. we explode and that explosion makes no sense to anyone, including us.
Or we explode at that moment. We raise our voice, we close the door, we text. Then comes regret. "Why did you do that? I did it?" We apologize, maybe not, but we think we should have. The anger goes away, but it leaves behind leaves something.
In both cases, anger comes and goes. But we never ask what he is trying to tell us.
I wouldn't ask either. In fact, I didn't ask for a long time.
I always saw anger as a problem, either something to be controlled or a weakness to be ashamed of. Until until I realized: anger is an alarm that something inside me is being chewed. Turning off the alarm does not extinguish.
In this article, we will try to analyze anger from a philosophical and scientific point of view, to understand what this emotion is really trying to say, and We will try to think about how we can build a healthier relationship with him.
Philosophical and Scientific Background
Philosophical perspective:
According to Aristotle, anger is neither a defect to be ignored nor a passion to be lived to the fullest. He makes this strikingly clear in The Ethics of Nicomacheus :
"Getting angry at the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way (it is not something that everyone can do, and it is not easy). But this is what is virtuous." (1*)
So Aristotle is not telling us to suppress or release our anger. He treats anger as a tool, to use it carefully and correctly. This distinction seems small, but it is actually life-changing. Powerful.
Because if we are not careful, both extremes lead to the same thing: in both, we pass by without understanding our anger, which leads to the growth of anger. and cause even greater destruction the next time. This will not help us.
Seneca, in De Ira, describes anger as "short-lived madness." (2*) It's a harsh definition, but Seneca's main point is that in a moment of anger, reason is disabled and people want to have who they don't want to be. The solution is not to suppress, but to pause. In that few seconds of space, between reaction and response. in that fine line between the two, he says, reason can come back into play.
Marshall Rosenberg's approach to Nonviolent Communication is, in my opinion, one of the most honest frameworks on this issue. to the world of anger. According to Rosenberg, anger is not an emotion that belongs to us. So we don't get angry when someone else does something. Anger is the voice of an unmet need within us. (3*)
Being able to say "this need of mine was not met" instead of "you made me angry" is both a way to better understand ourselves and it means building a more real relationship with the other person.
Scientific perspective:
On the brain side, the amygdala is the first structure that is activated in anger. Amygdala, threat the prefrontal cortex (i.e. the area responsible for planning, logic, long-term thinking) almost disabling it. Daniel Goleman on amygdala hijack he says, the amygdala takes over the brain. (4*)
That's why saying "calm down" at that moment doesn't work. Because the area that decides to be calm is already temporarily inaccessible.
But here's the interesting thing: the duration of this abduction is on average 6 to 20 seconds. So even biologically there is a pause window
As for repression, the work of Gabor Maté and Bessel van der Kolk paints a striking picture. (5*) The anger we constantly swallow does not disappear, it is written on the body. Chronic muscle tension, jaw clenching, headaches, immune system suppression. The body somehow processes emotions that the mind doesn't. Only in a much more expensive way.
Social and cultural influences:
The permission given to anger in Turkish culture is within a very narrow band.
Elders are not to be angry. Women's anger is considered "inappropriate". A man who gets angry is labeled "angry". Limits with anger people who draw are seen as "selfish". We grew up with all of these, we internalized them all in some way.
As a result, we are left with two options: either we swallow it whole, play the role of good people and save up; or one day we will We explode in a way that surprises both ourselves and others.
The space between the two (recognizing, naming, understanding and expressing your anger in a healthy way) does not allow us to not taught.
There is also the performative anger created by social media. The emotion that algorithms feed the most is anger, because anger sharing is triggered. But much of this anger is disconnected from a real need; it is just reaction. From real anger far away, but much more visible.
Real Problems and Solutions
The real problem is that we see anger as an enemy. We don't know what to do when it comes, because we have never We have been conditioned to either silence him immediately or release him.
But anger carries knowledge.
The question "Which of my values has been violated?" takes me much deeper. Is it justice? Respect? Being seen? Trust? What is anger? No matter when it comes, one of these or similar questions underlies it.
And often, when you scratch a little more, underneath the anger there is pain. Disappointment, loss, a broken expectation. Anger sometimes appears to me like a stronger disguise for pain.
Again, I would like to share with you these practices that I prepared for myself:
Pause: You can't open that 6-second biological window to use it. Leaving the environment, breathing deeply... This is not escaping, but giving the amygdala a chance to come back.
Naming: Neuroscience tells us that a naming the emotion in words diminishes its intensity. "I'm angry" is a step in itself. I had the feeling of being haunted" is even better.
Asking what is underneath: "What is this anger telling me? Which my need is not met?" Writing it down works much more effectively for me than thinking out loud. When it's on paper is taking shape.
Listening to the body: Where does the anger sit? In the chest? the hands or the chin? This body knowledge often comes before words. To start from there, to make the connection makes it easier.
Express (but how): Instead of "You made me angry" "when this happened, I felt this, because this was important to me." Rosenberg's framework sounds artificial at first, but in practice it changes the tone of relationships.
For me, this journey is still ongoing. It would not be right to say that I manage my anger so cleanly every time. But Now when anger comes, my first reaction is not to swallow it or release it, but to wonder what you are trying to tell me.
This is a small but real difference.
Conclusion and Message to the Reader
What Aristotle said 2400 years ago, neuroscience confirms today with brain scans: anger is not something to be destroyed is neither a flaw nor a force to be unleashed. When used correctly, it is one of the most honest voices within us.
We don't need to be ashamed of our anger. Not feeling it at all is not maturity. The real maturity is to recognize anger when it comes, read the message inside and then make a conscious decision about what to do.
I want to leave you a question:
The last time you were angry, what was really underneath?
See you in the next article.
Until then, stay in love.
Source:
(1*) Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, Book IV
(2*) Seneca, De Ira (On Anger)
(3*) Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication
(4*) Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence
(5*) Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps Score; Gabor Maté, Your Body No When you don't say
