We were all children once. We all come from different families, different environments. Some of us were He was constantly praised, the smallest thing he did was greeted with 'you are wonderful'. Some of us were constantly criticized, "better it could have been". Some of us were ignored, some of us were overly restricted. But somehow we all grew up and in this article we met. Some of us succeeded, some did not. Some of us were able to hold on, some of us were not.
But strangely enough, even though we have traveled such different paths, most of us have the same voice inside us from time to time:
"You are not enough yet."
When our paths are so different, how can the destination be so similar? And even more interesting: some of us hear it every day and know where it comes from. Some of us hear it but don't know where it comes from. Some of us and they don't even realize that voice rules our lives.
I think perfectionism is a strategy, not a character trait.
Let's imagine a child. He wants to feel safe, to be loved, to be seen. And at some point he realizes that he's good at something. when he does, those needs are met. It's a very clever adaptation, but over the years this strategy has become a becomes an identity. The child grows up, circumstances change, but that inner voice never changes: "If you are not perfect, enough you are not enough. If you are not enough, you will not be loved."
I think there are three types of people who carry this voice.
Some have heard this voice, seen its origin and somehow made peace with it. Some have seen it but are still in its grip struggling and struggling. Some are not aware at all, they just ask "why nothing is enough", where is the answer? not knowing what to look for.
None is better or worse than the other. They are just at a different point on the road.
Philosophical and Scientific Background
Philosophical Perspective
Carl Jung says this: "If you don't make your unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you'll be destined to it. you say." Perfectionism is often exactly that. It's a pattern that we don't see the origins of. passing through. And we pass it off as "that's just the way I am." (1*)
In the Tao Te Ching, Lao Tzu offers the opposite definition of self: "He who knows enough is rich." I first heard this sentence when I read it, it seemed simple. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is the opposite pole of perfectionism. Externally a state of "sufficiency" that does not need approval, constant proof. (2*)
In the very first lines of the Masnavi, Rumi describes the cry of the ney that has been plucked from the reed: the ney is not where it belongs. because of the separation. But what he longs for has always been a part of him, even his voice is a part of that separation. was born. Maybe our feeling of "inadequacy" is similar to this. We are always looking outside for something that we actually carry. a longing born. (3*)
Three different voices, three different traditions. But they all point to the same place: what we are looking for is not out there.
Scientific Perspective
Carl Rogers describes how a child's sense of "I am worth loving" is shaped Research. If a child receives love and acceptance only when he or she behaves "well", "successful", this message becomes internalized over time: "I have to prove something to be loved." And this message is can turn into an inner voice that never stops talking. (4*)
Bessel van der Kolk shows that even if we don't consciously remember it, even if we never know why, in childhood the feeling of "I'm not enough" that we have learned the body doesn't forget. The body does not forget. Whether we realize it or not. (5*)
But there is something promising here. Neuroplasticity research shows that our brains are wired to change, to make new connections. So these patterns are not a permanent destiny. It can be seen, can be understood and reshaped over time. (6*)
I lived with this sound for a long time and I still hear it from time to time.
My story is as follows: I am both the first child and the first grandchild of the family. Although I did not grow up spoiled, "my lion son", "my lion I was raised to be called "my grandson." Even the smallest thing I did was treated as a great achievement, I was constantly applauded and praised. I saw the positive effects of this on me, I became a more sociable, more positive person. But there was also something missing that I didn't realize.
I realized this thanks to my wife, when I was trying to learn how to play the guitar. She said something like this to me I think I'll remember it for the rest of my life: "You want your effort to be enough."
There was a reason why this sentence stuck with me so much, because he was right. I had no idea how good my work was. Instead of looking, I had a nature that expected approval, applause for every small step I took. And that always took me one step was holding back.
Seeing this changed me, but it didn't silence the voice completely. Still sometimes when I have completed a task "was it liked enough, was it noticed enough" a voice I hear it in me. When an achievement comes, instead of stopping and sitting with it, I sometimes jump to the next confirmation. It took me time to learn to stop and say "that's enough".
One day I asked myself: is this voice really mine? Or is it an echo I have been taught?
The answer did not come easily. But just asking the question changed something. Instead of identifying with that voice, I felt a little bit a piece that belongs to me but doesn't define me.
This difference opened a small but real space inside me.
Again, I would like to share with you these practices that I prepared for myself:
Questioning the origin of that sound.
When the sentence "You are not enough" comes up, to stop and ask: how long has this voice been here? Who was the first person I heard it from? Asking these questions does not silence the voice, but it puts a distance between us and it.
Seeing success as experience, not proof.
When you accomplish something, instead of "so I'm good enough", "I lived through this, I learned something from it". Success is a test not the result, but part of a moment.
Seeing the root without judgment.
Seeing where that voice is coming from does not mean blaming anyone. Most of the time, the people who give you that voice from others. Seeing this opens up a space of compassion for you and for them.
Define your own definition of "enough."
Establishing a definition of "enough" based not on external criteria, but on what gives you peace within yourself. This is independent of the approval of others.
Remembering that one small step is enough.
You don't have to solve this pattern in a day. One realization, one question, one moment is enough. This is how change usually happens It starts, not with big decisions, but with small realizations.
Let's go back to those different children. Those who have been praised, criticized, ignored, restricted. What paths they've traveled no matter who they are, they all face the same question now.
Maybe the point is not to silence that voice completely. Maybe the point is that when you hear it Is it my voice, or is it an echo I have been taught?".
Like the sound of Rumi's ney, perhaps it is that "lack" that we also hear. The feeling is nothing more than a longing for something we have always carried.
Speaking of asking, I would like to leave you a question:
When was the last time you heard the voice "I am not enough"? And that voice is really Is it yours, or is it an echo you have been taught?
See you in the next article.
Until then, stay in love.
Source and Inspired Texts
(1*) Carl Jung, Aion: Studies in the Phenomenology of the I (1951)
(2*) Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
(3*) Mevlana Celaleddin Rumi, Mesnevi
(4*) Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person (1961)
(5*) Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score (2014)
(6*) Norman Doidge, The Brain That Changes Itself (2007)
