We all know that we are going through difficult times again and that our backbone will be shaped accordingly. The wicked are pushing the boundaries of evil and continuing to commit cruelty, injustice, and as we watch this from the outside, we inevitably take a position. Some of us despair, some of us get more ambitious, some of us give up.
I think it is valuable to share our views and perspectives with each other when we are going through such times, so I decided to write this article.
We are closely watching the fights between the strong and the weak, the rotten and the potential. The weak takes a punch from his opponent, he is shaken. Then he gets up again. But it's as if something changes in his eyes. He's still standing, still fighting. But as the weakling struggles to his feet, we see that the light in the eyes of many of those following him has gone out. Not to mention their "we have already lost" style of acceptance when nothing is over yet.
For most people, this conflict is over before it is over.
We recognize this situation outside of political disputes. In the middle of a project, in an exam hall, at the breaking point of a relationship. Our body is there, our life goes on, but after a while a voice that says "it can't happen anyway" settles in us.
Let me tell you a story about myself that I think has a similar background.
At one point, I prepared for months to get a "Software Architecture" certificate. I took the exam and failed. I was so sure of myself that I said "I already know everything, I obviously didn't pay enough attention" and I took the same exam again without any analysis. I failed again. Something collapsed inside me at that moment. I felt inadequate, like an idiot. The thought "Maybe this is not for me" came through the door and sat down.
And that's when the real defeat was about to begin for me.
There is a big difference between losing and accepting the loss internally.
Losing happens outside. It is a consequence, a fact. We may not be able to change it. But inwardly accepting that you have lost is a choice. A choice that is often made without realizing it. And the moment this choice is made, the battle outside becomes irrelevant. Even if the body is there, that war is already over.
But where does this sincere acceptance come from? And can it be stopped?
Philosophical and Scientific Background
Philosophical Perspective
The martial arts and the philosophy of strategy have been concerned with this question for centuries.
Sun Tzu, in The Art of War, says this: "If you know yourself and know your enemy, you will win a hundred victories in a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not your enemy, you win one and lose one. If you know neither yourself nor your enemy, you are in danger in every battle." Not only does he say this, he goes one step further: the victorious warrior first wins, then goes into battle. The losing warrior first goes into battle, then tries to win. (1*)
I thought about that sentence for a long time. Something inside has already been determined before the fight starts. And what does he mean by knowing yourself? Not your strengths, but your weaknesses. And the most dangerous weakness is not knowing when you are prone to sincere acceptance.
In Go Rin No Sho, Miyamoto Musashi says that the real opponent is not in front of you, but within you. You have to know your own mind before you try to defeat your opponent. Before the fight outside starts, the fight inside has already been won or lost. When the mind is down, the body follows. (2*)
Sun Tzu brings strategy from the outside in, Musashi keeps it all inside. The two together say that no matter how well you know your enemy, that knowledge is useless if you don't know yourself.
Marcus Aurelius, in his Chronicles, makes this point with Stoic clarity: we cannot control external events, but we can control our reaction to them. Defeat may be a fact. But accepting defeat is a choice. (3*)
Three different eras, three different geographies, but all leading to the same door. The battlefield is not outside, but inside.
Scientific Perspective
Psychology defines this moment very well.
Martin Seligman's research on learned helplessness reveals that repeated failures or an intense experience of defeat can immobilize people even when escape is possible. The brain goes into "it can't happen anyway" mode. And this mode works independently of reality. Even if the situation has changed, even if conditions have improved, the brain continues to react in the same old pattern. (4*)
It's called learned helplessness. Learned. It is not an innate weakness, but a reflex acquired through experience.
In her mindset research, Carol Dweck identifies two different mindsets: the fixed mindset and the growth mindset. In the fixed mindset, failure threatens identity: "I'm like an idiot", "this is not for me". In the growth mindset, failure informs: "what don't I know?", "where did I go wrong?". Same result, two different inner voices. And which one that inner voice is completely changes the next step. (5*)
Seligman says what stops us, Dweck says where to look. In scientific language, this is exactly what Sun Tzu called "know thyself": to realize what mode you are in. And an acquired reflex can be changed. But in order to change it, you must first recognize that voice.
Going back to the certification exam, after the second failure, I sat down and said to myself, "Stop." Really. I stopped for a moment.
I tried to see the difference between the sentence "I feel like an idiot" and the question "Am I an idiot?" And I asked myself: is this really over, or am I playing hooky?
It was not finished.
But the real problem was elsewhere. I entered twice, lost twice and never really analyzed it. The first time I said "I wasn't paying attention" and I passed. The second time I was devastated, but I didn't look again, and this time I escaped in a different way.
I mean, running away doesn't always look like "giving up". Sometimes it also looks like "I will work harder".
I stopped. I really tried to understand what I didn't know, what I wasn't clear about. I took notes, I studied, I filled in the gaps, and I passed the exam on the third day.
What passed me by? It wasn't that I was smarter. It wasn't necessarily that I worked harder. It was really knowing myself. As Sun Tzu said: first to win, then to go into battle. That moment of "stop" was the moment I won the battle inside.
Again, I would like to share these practices that I prepared for myself with you:
Recognizing that voice.
Let's pause when we hear phrases like "it won't happen anyway", "I'm not suitable for this", "this is not for me". This is not a fact, it is a feeling. Hearing what the feeling says should not mean automatically confirming it. Recognizing that voice puts a distance between us and it.
"Is it really over?"
You have to ask this question honestly. Sometimes it really is over. But most of the time it's not over. It's just that the defeat feels so heavy. These two things are very similar, but there is a huge difference.
Recognizing the form of escape.
Giving up does not always look like saying "I give up". Sometimes it looks like "I'll try harder, but I won't look at why I'm losing". Knowing that escape is disguised makes it easier to catch it.
Making a realistic analysis.
Why did I fail? It is essential to examine this sincerely. It is not an analysis to say, "I didn't pay attention to the exam, otherwise I would have passed anyway". It is an analysis to say, "I wasn't sure about these things, there is a high probability that I was wrong about these questions". To find the right answer, it is necessary to ask the right question first.
Focusing on the next step.
We can look not at the outcome, but at something we can do right now. This reduces our mental burden and helps our brain to get out of the "it can't happen anyway" mode. Taking a small step is one of the most effective tools to break the feeling of helplessness.
When the light goes out in the eyes of those who think they have been wronged, that they cannot win, that they are powerless, this is not a result. It is a beginning. The moment defeat began.
The winners don't win because they are stronger on the outside. Most of the time, they win because they bring themselves to a better point by making an honest analysis without extinguishing that light. He holds on for one more moment, asks one more factual question, takes one more step.
Maybe that's exactly the winning mentality: when you feel you're losing, don't let that feeling finish you. On the contrary, to allow that feeling to take you to a better place.
What did Samuel Beckett say (6*):
You've always tried, you've always failed. So be it. Try again, lose again. Better beat it!
Speaking of asking, I would like to leave you a question:
Was it really over the last time you thought you lost, or did you stop fighting?
See you in the next article. Until then, stay in love.
Source and Inspired Texts
(1*) Sun Tzu, The Art of War
(2*) Miyamoto Musashi, Go Rin No Sho
(3*) Marcus Aurelius, Chronicles
(4*) Martin Seligman, Helplessness: On Depression, Development, and Death
(5*) Carol Dweck, Mindset
(6*) Samuel Beckett, Worstward Ho
